#please god interpret this however you want. i made it specifically to have multiple interpretations. there is no right way to look at this

[albireon]

When it fired, I felt it die... like I was dying. I was scared.

[puckpocketed]

caps fan here!

as follower of pld (the few, the proud, the courageous!), i was wondering if you had any thoughts about how he might fit in with our team, assuming he's going to be 1C with Ovi on the left and one of Wilson or Mangiapane on the right, and basically taking the former Kuznetsov/Backstrom spot on the halfwall on PP1. my thinking is that he can easily return to being a 60 point player just by the increase in ice time alone this coming season, and maybe even flirt with 70 if he has a triggerman like big O on his wing.

as someone who knows a hell of a lot more about PLD than i do, is that just wishful thinking because i'm a caps fan? what do you think?

The PLD Post, Part 2: mask-OFF

Hii!! (we are SO brave and SO correct). i am so sorry this took ages to answer, i was trying to decide how serious to be. I will admit, I was hesitant about going mask-off and hitting up the microstats and revealing that i do seriously think he can be better than he was bc that shit is kinda lame ESPECIALLY when defending a clear failhorse. but at this point any rep i have as someone with good opinions must be gone considering how many media scapegoats i've attached myself to (i got a fucking. c.gauthier ask the other day aslkjdkljas) so. mask is coming off. we've hit somewhere between well-considered manifesto and vibe check so . um. enjoy!!

I remain optimistic going from everything I've heard and from what you're saying here! But, big big asterisk. He absolutely needs to take ownership of his lack of engagement. when he speaks in media availability I believe him when he says he wants to change. The will to change is there, idk if it’s possible that any player would be satisfied with their performance being the way his was. There’s a lot that needs to be unpacked about his lack of production, the Character Issues, and what his role might look like going forward. You and any other Caps fan who reads this will have to tell me if the fit is right. Hockey talk below the cut lol!!

So before I start I have to say I know dick all about the Caps except:

You're dragging that old man (Ovechkin) to Gretzky's lawn (record) to set it on fire (break it before he retires)

Everyone is pining away for your very very injured 1C who is also Ovechkin's boybestfriend/perfect set-up guy/work wife

There's. intricate pre-game rituals?

So I'm not sure I can speak to how he will fit with your (our? i AM picking the Caps up fr given every acquisition/draft pick they've made) team with any depth or specificity. also i don't think i'd call myself a PLD expert. like. i just got here !! I haven't been following him since he was drafted or anything!! I have, however, consumed TOO MANY Kings games this past season and I can give you a broad look at what actually happened with them and why I think it didn't work out. I will not be making any overtures about being unbiased. My biases WILL slip through because I think Dubois is a sweetheart and I find the mental exercise of defending him fun <3 I’ll give you stats and observations and I will build a story that runs counter to what the prevailing media narratives say. While I stand by my opinions, they're also just one of many available interpretations of what happened.

character concerns

Everyone will be bringing it up at the first speed bump of the season, the first bad game he has. Please be prepared to have a crisis of faith and also be deeply disappointed in him. god knows I am, like, all the time <3 But... I always want to dig deeper when it comes to dominant narratives, because in following multiple teams I’ve become acutely aware of just how miserably Bad media can be at reporting on teams that aren’t their own.

I hear “Locker room cancer” accusations bandied about and I’ve yet to see anyone produce a primary source for this — podcasters, journalists, even people on nhl broadcasts will throw these words around so casually, assuming they’re correct because everyone knows the story. Some confounding factors in the character narratives arise when you scratch the surface. People who've worked with him speak well enough of him. Todd McLellan called him “misunderstood”, and had nothing bad to say about his character.

Matt Roy, who also just got picked up by the Caps, has recently said he’s a great teammate. MORE proof if you want to hear it directly, Roy went on Dropping The Gloves and had this to say about Dubois (transcript by me):

[on what actually happened] Honestly, I don’t know. I mean if you asked him he would say he had a down year. But it’s nothing like — I feel like the media paints this picture of him, and to me it couldn’t be further from the truth, you know. He’s a great teammate, he’s a great locker room guy, he gets along with everybody. So, in terms of all that I don’t know where the media is getting all this stuff. If I hated the guy I probably wouldn’t have come to Washington. He’s one of my friends on the team and I really think he’s going to have a bounce back year. I think he’s really going to be good for the team.

Matt Roy signed with the Caps of his own free will as an RD, a contested free agent in a sparse market, knowing Dubois was already here. He could’ve gone to plenty of different places. Why the hell would Roy sign here long-term, clearly wanting to play and win, if Dubois was as disliked as some pundits would have us believe??? Credible reports (and not just speculation) point to PLD’s other teammates liking him!! 

And here’s some propaganda; I direct you to this extremely sweet video where he gets asked about assisting on Akil Thomas' first NHL goal (and a bunch of other first NHL goals). He is so, so genuinely happy for Akil, who battled through injuries that set back his development for years. Just LOOK at his smile!! He can’t hold it back. (Others have said this but it looks like a little v. Like :> !!!! HELLO !!)

How does all of this happen when, supposedly, he’s a low-character asshole and a “locker room cancer”? It doesn’t line up for me.

On the other hand, I have seen Dubois cruise. He really can’t seem to bounce back from a poor start, and if you were just looking from the outside in, the scoresheet this year reflects this. The critique is fair; I’ve turned this over in my head enough times. there are less physically gifted, less skilled players, who are working so hard to stay in this league, and Dubois’ poor showing does feel somewhat like, idk, something I’d be mad about usually.

Here comes the “but”. Call this next bit the narrative section, because I’m showing my ass here: I think Dubois gets a lot of scrutiny because of his infamous Shift, which went a specific kind of viral, under the exact right conditions, and it has just. defined his career. And okay… I am not denying that the shift happened, but plenty of guys in this league have taken shifts off. come on. the season is long and they're only human. I’m not excusing it either! It was bad and he deserved his benching. Ideally, he one day becomes a player who always puts effort in. Working hard is one of my favourite traits in any player, and usually this would be enough for me to dismiss him as not worth being invested in.

and yet…. the reactions to his floundering performance feel so much like they’re about expectations as seen through the lens of The Shift. They’re calibrated differently because he went 3rd overall, and he's got this big body, the speed, the skill — it's the fact that he's got the tools and seemingly squanders them. All of this is amplified by the contract he's sitting on and his run of short-term stays on teams. Does he get this much scrutiny if he went in the 2nd or 3rd round? Does he catch this much heat for his low energy performance if that one shift clip hadn’t done all that damage? We’ll never know obviously but . I do wonder.

Final word on the character stuff is that we don’t know what truly went on in those locker rooms and i don't want to give more air time to baseless speculation. What we can examine is the hockey. The hockey tells the truth <3

the 23-24 la kings

Assuming the plan is to give PLD a look at 1/2C while he’s on the Caps, I think he’s a complementary type of player. The way he is right now, I don't think he can drive his own line or pull people up. He works with the calibre of lineys he's got and will produce the expected outcome. That sounds so obvious, but what I’m saying is I don’t think he’s capable of miracles like the best playmakers in the league, he's not about to make your guys look 15 years younger. In this vein, I look at his many first NHL goal assists as a symptom of what kind of linemates he was being paired with all season, and how unstable the situation was. His drop in point production IS more complicated than "he's just a piece of shit". From this article, the best summary I've seen of the Situation PLD was in:

LA acquired a player who had been a top-six center (and at times, winger) his entire career playing with established NHL talent. Yet after investing multiple assets to acquire Dubois and sign him to a significant contract, the team decided to put him in a third-line role where his most common linemate was a first-year NHL player who wasn’t expected to be on the roster in Alex Laferriere. Those two had a revolving door of wingers throughout the season. Moreover, Dubois’ most common on-ice teammates after Laferriere at 5-on-5 this season were Matt Roy and Andreas Englund. Gee, I wonder why he didn’t produce?

Context about Roy and Englund: Roy is a quiet but capable d-man who is defensively geared with a bit of offensive upside (j'adore. does things the right way and is very responsible and good. will throw hits but doesn't chase them or headhunt. I think playing away from the Kings’ more passive system will unlock more of his offensive potential. Matt Roy you will be SO good for the Caps I truly believe mwah mwah); and Englund is a leg weight/goon who, going by every single stat I can pull out, makes his d-partners Worse (with affection <3). Point here is neither of them being on the ice was particularly conducive to a lot of scoring chances.

As I said in my previous post, I think Dubois absolutely needs finishers. At some point there was hype around his shot but I didn't see much of that at all on lak? Eye test says: he was unwilling to shoot, and when he did shoot it felt like there was low/no commitment, no power behind it. Comments on his shooting called him “too deferential” at different turns. That’s just an insulting way to say a guy likes to pass and I truly think it circles back to the expectations thing. Would there be anything wrong with him not being much of a shooter this past season if he was another player? (Can't we just say he passed a lot this season without bringing value judgement into it? leave my failhorse ALONE!!!! like must a man score goals ,can't he be very very sweet and happy for the rookies he assisted ? wailing about it forever.)

More fun stats from that same article:

#1 on lak for passes that led to high-danger scoring chances, and scoring chances in general <- again, not a miracle worker. did not have finishers who could capitalise on these chances. its so fucked up what they did to my failwife

one of the best on lak in actually carrying the puck into the o-zone. (another reason i quite liked watching him!! transition forwards my BELOVED) everything I've ever observed about him off the cuff holds true here: he draws penalties this way, because he's fast and when he's locked in he is pretty good for controlled zone entries <3

Dubois had a career high in even-strength assists per 60, this is all in spite of his weird linemate situation and his reduced TOI and the power play mess (more on this later). he might have been deferring, but I truly think the lack of stability + good finishers, and ice time held him back from being more productive.

jim hiller

Building off that last point: even worse on the stability front, which I did allude to in the initial PLD Post, was what happened when Jim Hiller took over. You must understand one of the first clues that we were working with a different animal of a head coach is he was NOT afraid to line shuffle, and shortly after he found short-term success with that, they started running 11 forwards and 7 defensemen (you can see where it started precisely if you scroll back in lak lb because you'll find ME yelling about it LMAO). This shortened forward bench resulted in mid-game line shuffling, as in it was uncertain as to who they would be playing with from shift to shift. Hiller is on record saying he thinks it was beneficial, per this article:

It’s all about getting his deep forward corps engaged in the game. That’s sometimes difficult if you’re running four full lines and there are penalty kill or power play opportunities that alter the flow of the lines. Especially for the group of forwards who don’t kill penalties – think Kevin Fiala, Viktor Arvidsson, Quinton Byfield, Pierre-Luc Dubois – it’s an opportunity to get them extra shifts and engage in the game. “Some of our other players who don’t penalty kill, you know they can lose the flow of the game, so they enjoy it more I know,” Hiller said of having 11 forwards in action. “We’ve talked about it a lot. We really just think for our team, the way it is right now, that gives us an advantage getting those players more ice time.”

(and ok sorry to go off about my gripes with how the kings are run but .They were doing this into playoffs. This article was written during playoffs. god. CARL GRUNDSTROM, WHO HAS NEVER NOT PLAYED HARD, PLAYED 25 SECONDS IN GAME 2. all this while they were trying to get people 'engaged'. Idk. Maybe it did work for some players. I wasn’t behind that bench. But sitting one of your most energetic and committed forwards during a series in which you’re trying to come back from being down several games was a CHOICE!!!! also like what if you didn't double-shift QB. what then. And we all know how that series ended. lak coaching/management i am beating you with a pillowcase stuffed with bricks . <3)

Much was made of the Hiller takeover. I liked it at the time. In his first couple of media availabilities post-TM, Hiller emphasised bringing back "fun" to the game for many of the players who were slumping — and a reportedly tense locker room during the big skid that lost McLellan his job. It was all very Ted Lasso of him. Hiller also introduced a new way to rate Dubois for his performance every night, separate from the scoresheet. I made jokes about PLD's very special star-chart, everyone who knew about it was making jokes about it. This merit system was tailored towards communicating with Dubois what he did and didn't do well, and while no one ever went into depth about it we do know a few things:

It measured things outside of +/-, goals and assists, and was likely a score out of 5 per metric.

One of the metrics was about hits/physicality, another one was likely ‘compete’ levels.

He alluded to being measured on penalties drawn?? Or something??

Anyway it sort of … worked?? The change in Dubois was pretty immediate, the moment he was given some clear direction to work in. He played some of his BEST games of the year in the wake of this change. He got involved physically, he was not losing steam, he was drawing tons of penalties because he’s huge and fast and has good hands and IF he puts his mind to it he can truly be a transition monster.

CUE THE LINE SHUFFLING… imo, much of the progress made seemed to be lost, and the rest is history.

NOT saying Dubois is free of fault here. Needing that extra motivation to get physically involved is kinda wild, and I understand why for some people it’s a bridge too far. EYE am here for the laffs though and it's really funny that the communication came in the form of super special individualised performance evaluations/a glorified sticker chart. This is why he’s my temperamental desert flower. Wilting violet. Soggy kitten. <3 and for the record I truly don’t think I’d care if he put up 40 points per szn for the rest of his career. I don’t care because he’s a sweetie and the Bit i do when defending him is too funny. I don’t think I’d care if everyone was right about him — I just don’t actually think they are.

the power play problem

So okay, as per part 1 (my last email <3) we know Dubois thrives net front. It’s where he scored a bunch of his goals on the Jets. Every stat and the eye test supports this. So how come Lak had him stationed on the half wall doing jackshit, if he was on the power play at all?? I will admit I drove myself half crazy studying power play structures and watching LA Kings games back before coming up with a garbled, half-formed idea about how LA runs their PP. I was going to attempt to explain it here — had to do with Kevin Fiala and Dubois being lefties and how that's just an awkward passing sitch — but it turns out more than one person has had this thought and MAN I love being validated by actual hockey people. I fully thought i was making shit up in my head for a good week or two, and was seriously considering scrapping this portion . but it’s SO important for contextualising the production drop, so here goes !!

As early as September 2023 there was a story published about PLD’s role on PP1 — a place where he certainly should’ve belonged as a top-6 guy with plenty of ppg’s under his belt. From this article, which explains the issue very very neatly, and much more eloquently than I could ever hope to:

The addition of Pierre-Luc Dubois was a big one this summer; at first glance, he should be a great addition to the power play. But when digging deeper, the Kings might struggle to fit him onto the top unit. Dubois played mostly as the net front player for the Winnipeg Jets last season, the role Gabriel Vilardi often played for the Kings last season. So, it’s an easy one-to-one switch in that spot, right? Not necessarily. Dubois has all the talents to be an effective net-front player. He has the size and strength to battle in front, with the skill to effectively pop down low and create chances. However, his handedness is a big problem for this role. The Kings run their power play primarily on the left side with Kevin Fiala — Anze Kopitar when Fiala is hurt — which necessitates a right shot down low. When a right shot player pops out on the left side, there’s an easy passing angle for the half-wall player and more options for the player down low. Quick passing is key for a successful power and a left-shot can’t move the puck quick enough down low. They would have to either move too far into the corner or take the extra second to step out from and open up their body to create an effective passing angle. Time that would slow the power play down too much and allow the opposition penalty kill to get back into position. There’s also minimal shot threat from a lefty down low. We saw both Vilardi and Viktor Arvidsson frequently take the pass down low and quickly turn it into a shooting opportunity, something a left shot wouldn’t be able to do.

It then goes on to suggest 2 solutions that aren’t appealing at all:

Flip the power play entirely to accommodate Dubois net front. Not great as they dont have the players for that, and if they tried it they’d be hamstringing Adrian Kempe’s one-timer.

PLD on the bumper position. This one’s hard to swallow because that displaces Kopitar to PP2, there’s his position as captain and the optics of moving him off his spot.

In this article it is once again suggested that LA MUST flip their power play and figure out how to get PLD net front. In this article they point out how useless he was playing on the wall down the stretch, and how the only reason he seemed to be able to produce something was because he’d taken Kopitar’s spot in his absence. This article calls to attention Dubois’ worlds performance, where team Canada utilised him net front.

Big picture, the Fit

Do we see the problem here yet? It’s not the flat narrative I was sold by the national media, random assholes on twitter, and podcasters who don’t actually watch Kings matches!!!! Do we see how weird and messy and complicated it is, beyond “hey he’s just a sack of shit who isn’t trying hard enough”. Rob Blake himself has come out and admitted that they didn’t put Dubois in a position to succeed. And absolutely there was effort required on his end — a different player might have sucked it up and adapted to circumstances, a different player might never have needed that extra bit of communication, a straight up better player might have dragged his less skilled lineys up to a higher level. But the problem has always been two-fold: LA was trying to coach and manage a completely different player to the one they had in front of them and expecting good results; and Dubois was unable to keep competing with all he had in the face of that. I think both parties are at fault here. And I think, given the chance and the right circumstances, Dubois can hit 60 points again.

Okay, circling back to the big question of Fit. Will he be able to work with Ovechkin? Hard to think he could fail with one of hockey’s best goal scorers on his wing, if he does get a look at 1C. People who know the Caps better than I do, does this sound workable? Is Dubois going to be too difficult of a nut to crack for your coach? Your locker room?

And, of course, the power play issue. Maybe Dubois learns to be better on the half wall! Idk!! Maybe it was a matter of coaching and he thrives in Washington running your PP1 from there. For my money… I like him better playing net front or bumper. Do the Caps have the bodies to accommodate this? I did ask someone familiar with the Caps PP to explain it to me so I could try and figure this out but ouuuugh. My head is spinning. Someone smarter than me please jump in. I am TIRED . We don’t know what it will look like, what they’re planning to do with Dubois on the power play. You guys probably have a better idea about what’s possible than I do <3

Conclusion?

PLD is fast, big, a passing threat and a formidable net front presence when he’s given the opportunity and playing his A-game. As far as I can tell, his B-game is garbage </3 His poor performance is more complicated than people think and I’m pretty sure only the LA Kings beat reporters + the 12 kings fans on twitter know this. Most of them still dislike PLD anyway bc his low motor. I don’t blame them, I’m just more inclined to be forgiving because I love redemption arcs and I think he’s a good person. i would love to be wrong about his low-effort B-game LMAO but im trying to be realistic here. I want him to fit in and be embraced by the Caps so bad <3 Your coach sounds like he wants to help PLD succeed and is up for the challenge. The vibes from my friends who follow the Caps are always good, I’ve read through various tags and it sounds like a place that will take him in whether he likes it or not. I might be stupid but I believe in him !!! and I’ve laid out all the hockey bullshit for you to the best of my ability. Given all of this… do you think he’ll do well?

[slightlycrunchy]

Number 7 “ who did this to you? “ “ silence* “ hey, look at me. look at me. who did this to you? Some Dadzawa and Shinson?

Thank you, Sam. I haven't written dadzawa in too long! 🥺

Dadzawa and shinson, WC 1000~, rated G, pretty fluffy honestly

It's not really the fact that he's tied to a tree, wrists bound and mouth covered, scalp digging uncomfortably into bark, that bothers him. It's not really that he's sweating through a fabric that wasn't made to be breathable or comfortable in any sense of the word, or that he can hardly take said breaths through the small opening left for him above his lip, nose whistling with each wheeze, either. No, while none of those are pleasant, that isn't the part that makes his cheeks heat with shame.

No, that comes from who finds him, an hour (he thinks) after he’s been left to be found.

Hitoshi could roll his eyes at the universe right now. You’re a fucking asshole, he projects strongly into the astral plane. Of course it wouldn’t be anyone else other than a very specific dark figure making their way over the crest of the hill.

Aizawa.

It all plays out in slow motion to Hitoshi, the wildly searching eyes squinting in recognition, confusion turning to concern. Hitoshi stopped struggling a while ago, but he picks it up again now, simply out of embarrassment. He has to show that he fought, that he tried. As Aizawa walks closer, Hitoshi feels his breath catch in his chest, his failure writ plain for his mentor to see; wrapped up tight in his own capture weapon.

“Shinsou,” Aizawa says gently, only spending a moment to take in Hitoshi’s entire mummified body before starting on the knots around his hands. Never did Shinsou understand the length of his capture weapon better than now, when the lengths of it have been wrapped around him multiple times. The ends at his wrists come loose, followed by the ones at his chest, mouth, forehead. The other boys had held him down roughly, and he had fought, his skin turning red with scrapes against the tree.

He thought he had been alone; just another way he failed. He didn’t hear them coming.

Hitoshi can't look up at Aizawa when the man is done, grey fabric piling onto the ground with a soft rustle at Hitoshi’s feet that does nothing to betray what the cloth had been used to accomplish. Hitoshi can’t help eyeing it warily from the corners of his vision. His own weapon used against him...how pathetic.

“Shinsou, look at me please.”

Hitoshi’s stomach plummets to his feet, falling out to rest right next to his scarf, he’s sure. He feels heat behind his eyes and tries to blink it away rapidly.

“Please, kid. It’s alright.”

Aizawa is being so gentle and Hitoshi hates it. He loves it and he hates it. How long has he wanted something like this? An adult showing clear and obvious care for him? But not like this, he thinks hatefully. He’s so unbearably selfish, isn’t he?

Unable to disobey Aizawa in anything however, Hitoshi finally looks up and immediately wishes he hadn’t. Aizawa’s face is flat--’unreadable’ is usually what Hitoshi would call it but now he can swear he sees the disappointment already felt radiating off of the man. This is it. This will be the final straw that Hitoshi has been expecting from day one. Aizawa will tell him the words he’s been ready to hear, “You couldn’t even do this one thing? Fight back against a few teenagers that were probably smaller than you? Pathetic.”

But those aren’t the words he hears.

“Who did this to you?”

It takes a moment for Hitoshi to realize his mouth has gone agape, closing it with a snap. He can’t look anymore, eyes darting back to the ground--

“Hitoshi.” There’s a hand on his shoulder now, firm and warm, warmer than the summer heat that soaks Hitoshi’s clothes even under the shade of the tree. Some of the sweat is from his fear, but whatever. He’ll ignore that bit. He can’t ignore the hand though, his focus pinpointed on his own body. He hears Aizawa sigh heavily.

Oh, now Hitoshi understands.

Aizawa wants to know who did it, so that he can be sure just how much of a fuck up Hitoshi is.

“I don’t know their names, sensei,” he begins, every word hard won from his own mouth. He feels like he’s walking to his own death, and he clasps his hands together in front of him so that Aizawa can’t see how they shake. “I think they were a class above...maybe. I dunno.” His words fade into a whisper. Every second of this is horrible.

The hand disappears, slowly and just as gently as it had come and with its lost weight Hitoshi knows this is it. He nearly flinches when Aizawa opens his mouth to speak.

“That’s fine. Nezu has cameras all over this place, I’m sure we can find them. Attacking other students is prohibited, and both he and I don’t take it lightly.”

Hitoshi can’t help it now as his head shoots up, lips parted in disbelief as he stares at Aizawa. “Wh-what?”

Aizawa’s face is still calm, though maybe Hitoshi imagines a sort of fire in his eyes, an intensity he only gets when he and Hitoshi spar.

“‘What’, what kid? Did you think I wouldn’t care that I found my student tied to a tree, road rash all up and down his arms, sweating in this heat with no access to water for an unknown amount of time? I do care. I care a lot.”

And god Hitoshi believes him.

Aizawa always does this, says things like there would be no other way to interpret them, like every word that comes from him is law and fact and shouldn’t be challenged. Hitoshi wouldn’t dream of it.

His chest suddenly feels lighter than air.

“You hungry? It’s almost dinner time at the dorms,” Aizawa says, shifting his weight almost imperceptibly as if he is done with all of this, but not in a cruel way. He almost seems uncomfortable. Hitoshi feels a small smile tug at his lips.

“Yea, sensei. Starving.”

❤️Send me prompts

[stellocchia]

Okay, time for another overly long analysis of our favourite green blob with a god complex and traumatized teen!

I will be discussing both the “Trapped in prison with Dream” stream and the “Am I dead?” stream as I think they should be analyzed together, so espect spoilers for those. It also goes without saying that, from here on out, unless stated otherwise, I’ll be talking about the characters and the roleplay only!

So here we go! More under the cut and be advised that this will be a long one!

First of all it’s essential to keep in mind that Dream’s view of his relationship with Tommy is extremely different from Tommy’s. I will be going more into details as the analysis proceeds, but it’s very clear by now that Dream is under the delusion that Tommy’s attachment to him is as strong as his for Tommy. 

We have multiple examples of this, but the strongest one (until the revival stream at least) was back in the season 2 finale when he kept believing that Tommy wouldn’t kill him as he wouldn’t kill Tommy. We also have instances like him saying “exile wasn’t that bad, you had me” and his insistence on them having “so much fun together” that all point to the conclusion of Dream believing their game is played on both side.

Tommy, on the other hand, made it abundantly clear that he despises Dream entirely. He recognizes that Dream actively makes him a worse person when they’re together and he recognizes that he abused and manipulated him along with many others. Tommy doesn’t reciprocate Dream’s obsession in the slightest and actually seems extremely taken aback any time the green man proposes the idea of them being a theme. 

On that last point it’s interesting to notice that the actual idea of them working together (Tommy and Dream vs the world style) is actually something new that Dream introduced with his stay in prison. Proposing they could “escape tigether” when they first ended up stuck there and even more in the two latest streams... Dream’s interpretation of their relationship seems to have shifted from “fated nemesis who have fun together” to “friends”. No, this is not a positive shift, and I’m not framing it as one. Dream’s idea of friendship is as twisted as can be and Tommy has zero say in the matter. 

Now that the introduction is done, let’s get to the actual analysis!

Trapped in prison with Dream

So the stream starts with Tommy trying his best to annoy the Hell out of Dream. Then PussBoy is introduced... 

One thing to point out is that Tommy seems to fear silence and lonliness over everything (as we’ll see proof of later on), so it’s honestly no surprise that he would not be able to bear the silence for too long. 

“The cat is the best thing that’s happened to us” Dream is already sort of shifting from the “me” talk to the “us” talk, which is rather interesting. That also mirrors his “You being stuck here is the best thing that’s happened to me since I got to prison” statement.

Then there is the interaction with Sam where he decided to leave Tommy in there longer in order to solve the issue. We also get a very rare instance of Tommy showing a lot of his vulnerability, talking about exile (though it’s clear he doesn’t know Sam knows as much as he does about exile), which promptly gets ignored in favour of Sam continuing to work on the security issue.

A few seconds after Sam left Dream already burns the new clock. The reason he’s doing it is obviously to keep Tommy in a more vulnerable state of mind by continiously insuring he has no way to tell how much time has passed. All the while acting like it’s no big deal of course. Like his actions aren’t deliberate.

“What if we get out together?” “No, no! Because then you’ll break out with me, I don’t want you to break out with me” Dream already gave a similar proposition when they had just got stuck together and, again, the reason why this is so important, is because it seems to indicate a shift in Dream’s mind between the “me vs you” mentality to the “me and you vs the rest”. 

There is then the whole debacle with PussBoy where he’s killed. There isn’t really much reaction from Dream for it (really, Tommy shows more panic about it then Dream does any emotion. Please people, re-watch that scene and stop using the damn cat as a motivator there). “Look Tommy, I’m gonna get out” is literally his only reaction. That and saying that Tommy is and always has been his motivator: “You motivated me, well, you motivate me all the time”. It really couldn’t be clearer here.

“I’ll get out and, when I do, I’ll get my revenge” (...) “On who” “On everyone who’s wronged me” “Oh on fucking everyone won’t you! You’ll go and you’ll kill fucking... you wouldn’t kill anyone would you? You wouldn’t, you wouldn’t kill someone (long pause)... of course you fucking would...” Now, why did I highlight this whole thing? Well, because there’s a lot to unpack here. 

1) Dream is still fully of the idea that he was in the right, hence his desire to get revenge on “those who wronged him”. His mentality has not shifted at all so we can conclude, once and for all, that his “meek” act during most of the visit was indeed just that: an act. 

2) Callback to Tommy saying he feels like his brain is “wired to be Dream’s friend”, despite having already been killed 2 times by Dream, Tubbo more recently almost dying to him and knowing what he is capable of in general, it still takes him quite a bit to remember that yes, Dream would kill someone, he would hurt people. Tommy still has a hard time admitting to what happened to him and the impact Dream has had on him and he’s not entirely out of Dream’s manipulation (once again, good representation, because you don’t heal from something like that in a month), he is however now better at recognizing it and correcting his own faulty thinking. 

“I have a plan” I did not notice this on first watch, but was Dream’s plan to send Tommy to the afterlife from the start? Or, at least, to send someone there so he could study it? It could very well have been. He’s shown in the next stream that he wanted talk to Schlatt immediately asking Tommy about him once he was back. We can’t however ignore that he mentione that “someone who owes him a favour” may be a part of his escape plan, so that feels rather important for the future once he’ll have brought Willbur back to life. 

So then there is more of fight that start. Dream is getting annoyed at Tommy’s “whining” and tries to make him see things from his perspective (aka “it’s not so bad because we have each other” again with the trying to establish their “friendship”). 

“You don’t have ME, you never have ME, we don’t have each other, alright? I am me and you are this fucking looser who goes around manipulating people and lying to get what he wants” What this is is 2 things: 

1) Tommy recognizing what Dream is trying to do, the subtext of what he’s saying and refuting his claims (hurray for the bit of healing he’s had!)

2) Tommy actually recognizing the possessive side of the claims Dream keeps making. I don’t see this talked about that much, but, to Dream, Tommy is most definitely his propriety, just like Tommy’s disks were Dream’s in his mind (remember that speach? He literally referred to them as “my disks”). I mean, he clearly acts like that’s the case, enphasizing time and time again how he has absolute power over Tommy (I’ll go a bit more into it towards the end of the analysis of the other stream, for now though, keep this in mind)

“Even when I’m in here I’m more powerful then you are when you are outside” back on the theme of Dream’s God Complex I see. He seems to like showing off as often as he can “how powerful he is and how powerless Tommy is” (in Dream’s words from the season 2 finale), though that’s most probably to keep enforcing the dynamic that he already established in exile, the whole thing with Tommy being entirely dependent on Dream. He seems to like that aspect of their dynamic as he has expressed multiple times his appreciation for that specific period of time. 

“If I wanted to, right now, I could just kill you. And the only reason I’m NOT is because of my friends, for Tubbo, because WE need that fucking revive book, alright? That’s the only reason I’m not killing you” well, I mean, we’ve known this for quite a while. The only reason Dream got to keep his last life was because of Tommy’s attachment to his friends. I’ve seen a few people saying that it was specifically to revive Wilbur and, while that may have been an idea at first, by now he had already shown multiple times that that was not the case (even before spending time with him in the afterlife). When he went to “Wilbur’s revival” (the failed one) he showed that he was already incredibly uncertain about wanting Wilbur back (describing him as “not so poggers” in very Tommyinnit fashion). No, the actual reason why he wants the book is most likely because Tubbo is on his last life and we know he can’t live without his best friend. 

“Tommy, I’m never, I am NEVER EVER going to use the revive book to help you or any of your stupid little friends, okay?” So now the question is: was this a lie or a twisted version of the truth?

I’m gonna say the latter and here is why: Dream DID, in fact, revive Tommy. We know this now, it’s canon. But he really didn’t do it FOR Tommy. One thing I want to make clear is this: while Dream may, in fact, consider himself and Tommy “friends” he doesn’t CARE for Tommy himself, not in a way that’s commonly considered as “caring” at the very least. He finds him fun, entertaining and he seems to be rather dependent on him, but NONE of this things equate to caring about HIM. So, now that that’s cleard up, the resons why he revived him in the first place should be rather obvious: 

1) He wanted to see if he could and learn more about his power in general

2) As I said before, there is a degree of dependency Dream has on Tommy. It’s very obvious in the fact that, despite having let go of every other attachment, he doesn’t seem able of letting go of Tommy, not permanently anyway. He seems to actually need to have a degree of control over Tommy at all times

“I will never use the revive book. I will NEVER use it on you, I will never use it on any of your friends, I will never use it to save ANY of you” now THIS one is a straight up lie. What Dream was trying to do here was provoking Tommy enough to see if he’d actually kill Dream or not (which was a useful information for him for later). To see if Tommy could bring himself to do it (he can’t)

“I’ll get out eventually because, either you’ll let me out or... people will be dead” way to be ominous green man! We could assume by this point that his plan to escape may have been along the lines of “getting Techno to repay him by killing one of Tommy’s friends therefore forcing him to let Dream out to bring them back”, or something of the sort.

“This isn’t worse then exile (...) because in exile I thought you had all the power (...) here’s the thing Dream, here’s the thing I know: I don’t think the revive- I- how could I be so fucking...? The revive book Dream, it’s not real is it?” Here is where things start to actually go downhill fast. There is nothing Dream hates more then Tommy questioning his power, there is nothing that makes him angry faster (I’m sure the whole “I don’t give a fuck about Spirit” speach comes to everyone’s mind when I say this, as it should). Dream, as much as he presents himself to be a logical mastermind, is actually very emotional in the way that he is very easily overtaken by anger. He does irrational stuff every time he gets mad, that’s no secret. If he wasn’t already planning to kill Tommy to test his power, this push is what convinced him to do it. Also this is the exact reason why he likes Tommy (weirdly enough, their relationship is so very complicated) in the first place, because he’s the only one who’s constantly questioning him and challenging him. 

As we know the fight escalated and Dream ended up killing Tommy telling him to ask “Schlatt” about the book. Though before that there are quite a few exchanges were Tommy expresses that he thinks Dream is powerless now and was lying about the book all along because that’s generally what he does and Dream keeps insisting that he’s not lying and that Tommy’s life is still in his hands, that he still has all the power (turns out he wasn’t so wrong...). 

Also, last line to analyze from this: “I might as well be a God Tommy! You can’t kill me and I can kill you” pretty sure this is the first time Dream outwardly announces his God Complex and it’s interesting that his idea of power revolves entirely around having power over Tommy specifically. Because, even having power over Tommy’s life he’s still in prison, he stil has no real power of any kind. Everyone on the outside still hates him (aside from the anarchist duo), they still aren’t letting him out. Who comes to see him and what he can keep in his cell is still entirely dependent on Sam and not on him. But the fact that he has power over Tommy is enough to make him a God in Dream’s eyes.

Am I dead?

Fisrst things first, the afterlife part:

It seems that we may be seeing pieces of conversation had at different times. Let me explain myself:

Tommy opens up asking if he’s dead, then he has an interaction with Wilbur that sounds like it could be their first interaction after his Tommy’s death as Wilbur asks how he’s doing. 

We know however that he’s been ther for at least 2 months, probably more considering he seems to have interacted with Schlatt, but Schlatt has been comatose for 3 months. We could then assume that what we see is a sort of very short montage of Tommy’s time in the afterlife.

The next scene we have Tommy asking “How long is left?” (we don’t know what he’s referring to, though it could be to his revival) and Wilbur responds saying that, to the end of the Universe it would be still 8 eons. Then Wilbur asks him to play competitive solitary and they randomly chat for a bit.

New change of topic (probably next scene again) we have Wilbur telling Tommy he’s happy Tommy is there (dead) with him as the tw of them were never good for the server and caused all the problems (which we know to be incorrect, but it was Wilbur’s mentality at the time of his death and it makes sense that he would have kept it). Tommy also has a very clear panic attack which Wilbur generally ignores. Wilbur also says that, if he’s brought back to life, he knows for a fact that the server will be in shambles because, in his words: “I know what I’m like, that’s the issue”. 

Like it or not people Wilbur is most definitely implying that he knows he wasn’t a good person and that he won’t be different when he comes back. Simple as that. It’s also a further confirmation of his self-deprecating nature that brought him to self-destruct in the first place.

There is another pause that we could consider a cut scene and Wilbur is then talking about making a solitaire arena in a couple of months to an exasperated Tommy

Now for the revival itself:

First thing we notice once Tommy is back to life is that he’s most definitely experiencing a sensory overload. He’d gotten used to living in a colorless dimension with almost no sounds (aside from Wilbur’s and Mexican Dream’s voices I’m guessing) and no sense of touch aside from the constant pain that being back on the living plain may be quite ovewhelming for him.

“So what was it like?” Dream doesn’t loose a beat once Tommy is back before starting to ask him questions. He literally sounds like an eager kid who just got a new toy (and I gotta commend cc!Dream for the voice acting here!). The book worked and now he needs to find out exactly to what extent he can use it (the idea of immortality being on his mind as we’ll see later).

“Void, it was dark, it was all dark” “There was Schlatt, there was Mexican Dream” “There’s so many more drugs then just alcohol” “Mexican Dream, he was there, which was confusing, he was loud. And then there was Wilbur...” “(Continuation from below) and then I came out and I was in a long long hole, a tunnel of black and void, not even black just colorless” “When I was there it all felt so real, but so torn apart. It felt like I was in pieces, like I was stomped on” This is our best description of the Afterlife so far. A static void with no colors or viable sensations, with only 3 known residents now that Tommy is not there any longer. A weird reality with a seemingly entirely different set of rules to our own.

“Death felt like my body was taken apart and then put together and then taken apart and put together here. It felt stretched man” “It felt like I was shredded to dust” “No it didn’t feel goo- it felt like I was put through a shredder, but there was no blood, there was no flesh it was just essence, like a powder and I was put through (continues in previous section)” This is Tommy’s complete description of his experience with death and what it felt like. Having to stay for months with this constant sensation it’s really no surprise he would be so hypersensitive to touch.

“Honestly I was kind of scared it wouldn’t work” So, here we got another indication of the fact that, while Dream killed Tommy in rage, having him stay dead was never his intention (despite him claiming he would never use the book on Tommy a couple of days prior). He never intended to severe his last attachment (I’m honestly not sure he even CAN seeing as how dependent he actually seem on Tommy), he literally only killed him because he was mad Tommy would question him and wanted to prove a point, but to prove his point in the first place he needed Tommy back. It’s also probably why he revived him so fast, his weird need to have control over Tommy, which he couldn’t have while Tommy was dead.

Why did he care so much about Tommy not believing him on the book, you may ask? Was it to save his own skin? It’s possible and I think that’s part of it, others being convinced that the only reason they kept Dream alive was a lie could cause his death. The other reason is that he seems, as I said before, to want to shift his and Tommy’s dynamic to an “us vs the world” type of deal, which would require Tommy in particular to believe everything he says.

We can now add being hit at all by Dream to Tommy’s ever growing list of trauma triggers as he seems to have a very vivid recollection of his death by Dream’s hands... also we need to point out their body language in this: Dream is constantly trying to get close to Tommy as much as he’s constantly insisting on getting more information, while Tommy alternates between getting close to Dream and pushing him away (could be he’s both seeking some kind of comfort, but is also very overwhelmed).

“Tell me, one more time: what was it like when you died?” “Did it feel good?” Dream’s insistence and exitment about Tommy’s very obvious extreme distress is honestly concerning, but expected. By now we can safely assume that he doesn’t really have any empathy, I know, bold claim, but is there any evidence to refute it? Any evidence at all? Because, so far, he has shown a distinct lack of empathy in any and all situations...

Another interesting thing was Tommy’s reaction to Dream’s probing questions: while he seemed to get increasingly distressed by them, he kept answering Dream every time with little hesitation only at times adding on things like calling Dream a monster for the way he was treating him. I honestly think this may have been because he was in desperate need of comfort, and having someone to confide into is part of that. And Dream was the only “someone” he had there.

We then get the whole exchange about how time in the Afterlife is different then in the normal plain of existence. I’ve seen people equate 1 day to 1 month, however that’s incorrect. That was Dream’s wrong assumption but, from whet Tommy said, we can guess that it was much more then that. Frist of all, the first month and 18-20 days Schlatt was still awake and he was the one making them keep count. That said, we know Schlatt has been asleep for around 3 months (we don’t know exactly how much as they lost count). Which means that Tommy’s stay in the Afterlife was much more around 5 months then 2, meaning 1 day in the Real World should equate to roughly 2.5 months in the Afterlife give or take. That is, of course, assuming time there moves in a regular way and there is an actual correspondence between Real World time and Afterlife time, which is not a given.

Tommy keeps asking for the people he find reassurance in (at least we can assume so) which, in this case, are: Tubbo, Jack, Phil, Fundy an Sapnap. It’s a pretty weirdly matched group of people but, apparently, they are the ones Tommy seeks out when he’s distressed. It would be interesting to see an analysis of his relationship with each of them, but this one is not about that I’m afraid. 

“Wait shut- shut up! Shut up! Sorry, I’m sorry” Tommy seems to have re-acquired some of his exile mannerism such as being overly apologetic and skittish, together with the lashing out more. None of this are good signs... he had just started healing as well...

“I... I’m a God! I can bring people back to life, I wasn’t even sure that I could, but I can!” Bringing Tommy back to life worsened Dream’s God Complex even further, because now he doesn’t only have power over Tommy, but everyone else as well. And, I mean... at this point he IS basically a God, he’s not even wrong on that. 

“Dream, Dream, listen to me. The things I saw, the things he talked about, the things he said he will and the things he WILL do... do not- promise me, never EVER bring back Wilbur! Please, please, please” In case anyone was wondering this is the exact thing Tommy said on Wilbur. He didn’t say he’s worse then Dream here, but he IS bad news, at least if we trust Tommy on it. Wilbur wasn’t only self-destructive when alive, he was destructive in general. He was dangerous to others as much as he was to himself and he DID hurt people. And this side of him seems to only have been accentuated by death.

 “Do NOT bring back Wilbur. Ever! Promise me you’ll never do that, alright? Dream, Dream, you are nothing, you’re nothing, you’re fine Dream! We can be friends if you don’t bring him back! You’re not even- all the tragedies you’ve done-” and here’s the part that I’m guessing people are interpreting as Tommy saying Wilbur is worst then Dream which is... a fair interpretation actually (considering that Tommy is not a reliable narrator). Now please don’t get me wrong, Alivebur as he was, wasn’t worse then Dream, but he had years in the afterlife to become even more radicalized in his beliefs. There is also the fact that Tommy doesn’t seem to put the harm done against him on the same level as that done against others: Dream has hurt Tommy worse then Wilbur ever did, but Wilbur’s potential harm against others might be greater in Tommy’s mind then Dream’s. That’s the reason why he’s offering something he knows Dream wants, which is his friendship, in order to keep Wilbur from coming back: because he truly doesn’t care about his own wellbeing as long as others are safe. Of course Dream’s response to this is: "It’s not up to you. It’s up to me because I- I have that control” which is very in character for the green blob with a God Complex

“What if, now that we know, we could send you back and you could figure out-” We can see that Dream has an utter fascination with this whole concept and, now that he knows revival works, he has no qualms with sending Tommy back (no matter how obviously traumatic it was for him) to get further information because, guess what? Death is not in any way an escape anymore. He can simply pull Tommy back as he pleases.

There is then the exchange about burning the book, but, as Dream has it memorized, they would need to kill Dream to get rid of the knowledge, but Tommy can’t bring himself to do it because he’s even more terrified of being stuck alone in the cell then he is of Dream bringing Wilbur back. 

“I wanna know about death. We can study it! We can study it together! We can become immortal together!” Again, if there were any doubts on Dream’s constant need of having Tommy under his control, this should dissolve them. There is truly not much more he can do to show how obsessed he is then offering Tommy to be immortals together, especially because we know that the ideal for him would be to have Tommy be completely dependent on him again. To have his favourite puppet under his control for eternity apparently... “I want absolutely fucking nothing to do with you” of course, as we said many times, Tommy doesn’t view their relationship in the same way. Tommy actually hates Dream and truly doesn’t want anything to do with him.

“You owe me your life” “Owe you my life? You beat m-!” Who’d know that Dream had some similar arguments to his apologists huh? But this does show how warped his view of reality is. I mean, he’s fully aware that he beat Tommy to death, but he still think Tommy should be grateful to him for bringing him back. 

“Now you can tell everyone that the book exists, that I'm not a liar!” Dream really went hard with the whole God Complex thing, even going as far as choosing his profet huh? Man’s just on a high horse and will never get down...

“Everyone... is my puppet” Welp, this is the culmination of his God Complex. The realisation that he has absolute power of life and death over everyone else. That he can play with them as he pleases. Also, may I add that, for basically this whole stream, he has used the “soft voice” he tends to do with Tommy whenever he’s trying to get him to comply? Like, I’m mentioining it now because it was particularly obvious in this last exchange, but it’s been there on and off the WHOLE time. 

“You killed me to prove your own point. You could have just showed me! You could have just- this is so evil. This is- this is- this isn’t like before. This isn’t you’ve blown up and- you’ve put me through torture, through pain, to prove a point, that’s fucked! You can’t do that to me... to anyone!” It took almost half an hour but Tommy has finally come to the full realisation of what happened to him, of why it happened and he’s honestly very understandably distraught about it (though it is to be said that it's arguably quite good that he understands that it wasn't okay for him either to be put through that as he tends to downplay his own suffering greatly). He has been through something unimaginable for us because Dream was upset that he didn’t believe him about the book. That’s all there was to it, that’s all the reason for his suffering. Like, he’s not wrong at all when he describes Dream as a monster, that’s literally the only accurate description of him. No normal person would put someone else through this for such a petty reason. 

“You’re soft Dream, you’re soft” Another valid point by Tommy. While Dream IS undoubtedly extremely powerful and extremely clever, he’s also petty, stubborn and childish. He throws violent temper tanrtums every time someone (especially Tommy) disagrees with him and mostly gets away with his bs because he has the power to back them up. That said he hardly ever lost, the only true loss he had was being locked in prison, and he managed to turn even that in his favour! But that’s the think: loosing makes you stronger, it often teaches you a lot and pushes you to get better. He (along with a couple of others) basically never had that. Tommy’s been through literal Hell and he survived that, he knows he can survive that. Dream? He may break at the first real hardship as far as we know!

“I’ll let you free, I’ll let you free alright? We’ll call for Sam, we’ll get him in here, he’ll let you out, but... I’m gonna bring back Wilbur and Wilbur- Wilbur is gonna help me escape” 2 things to unpack here (aside from the fact that he’s using the “soft voice” to say something extremely disturbing again):

1) Dream is, once again asserting his power over Tommy in two ways: by frasing it in a way that implies that it’s up to Dream wether Tommy leaves or not and by confirming again that Wilbur’s resurrection is entirely up to him and that Tommy’s opinion on the matter is utterly worthless

2) He fully intends to use Wilbur as a puppet as well because, as he says a bit later, if he brings him back then Wilbur will be indebted to him

And that’s how it’s concluded! 

My closing thoughts on this are that, generally, Dream’s level of dependence on Tommy seems to worsen as fast as his God Complex. man went from telling him that their story “would never be over” to offering him immortality in the span of little over a month. Tommy is Not Doing Good, AT ALL, but I’m hoping he’ll ask for help this time from other people because he literally cannot deal with this on his own. Wilbur will not be good news, but what he’ll do is still entirely uncertain, it is to be pointed out however that, at the beginning, his frasing at a certain point sounded scarily similar to Dream’s idea of “us vs the world” when he said that him and Tommy specifically are the single cause of conflict. I hope I’m wrong there because the LAST thing Tommy needs is another obsessive God-like individual in his life!

@mysweatymakerstudentworld

[my-name-is-dre]

Mettaton is a False Prophet [OLD THEORY]

To start things off and make sure we have a reference, we need to list off the eerie yet superficial similarities between Mettaton and Asriel:

They both have multiple forms, with Mettaton having his normal form at the beginning, his EX form during his fight, and his NEO form in the No Mercy run. Asriel has his flower form throughout most of the game, his child form at the end of the True Pacifist run, and his “God of Hyperdeath” form also at the end of the True Pacifist run.

This is a minor detail, but they both possess the power to change the application’s name, with Mettaton turning it to “Undertale The Musical” during the track Oh! One True Love and Flowey turning it into “Floweytale” during his boss fight at the end of a neutral run. With the ability to change meta elements like this being traditionally associated with possessing determination in fan theories, we can conclude that there’s a case of overlap here. Another minor detail is that they’re the only two characters who can audibly speak, with Flowey’s creepy “that’s a wonderful idea!” and Mettaton’s famous “oh yes!”

One big similarity is that they’re both products of Alphys, with Mettaton being an attempt to purposefully enfuse a monster soul into an inanimate robot initially with the purpose of being efficient at killing humans, while Flowey was an incident caused by injecting determination into an inanimate object that had the remnants of a monster soul within it.

This is a bit of a stretch, but both characters are artificially inserted into your journey in an attempt to please an ulterior motive, with Flowey enacting his agency at the level equivalent of a player to toy with the same experiences and reconnect with whom he believes to be Chara while Mettaton was conscripted by Alphys to set up an elaborate stage play where she can rescue from him to feel better about herself, acting only at the level of agency as a monster.

The biggest emotional similarity is that both possess a mournful attitude towards a lost sibling, with Asriel on an endless quest of ironic spite against Chara for severing their old friendship by dying while Mettaton leaves Napstablook behind to pursue hedonistic dreams of fame and beauty, destroying the potential they had as a performance duo. Both rectify the holes these relationships left in them, with Asriel destroying the very thing that led to Chara’s death and Mettaton humbling himself reconnecting with Napstablook.

Goal-wise, they both obsess over humans but for very different reasons: Asriel has an obsession with only one human, and the reasons for this are very deep-seated and personal. Mettaton’s obsession however is more vain and is concerned with growing his audience beyond the borders of the Underground and being seen as a sort of vanguard for monsterkind among humanity. Or more insidiously, he feels as if he can assimilate into them. Both seek a form of transcendence that comes with obtaining a human soul: Asriel, as Flowey, seeks one so he can restore a bit of what he lost when he became a flower. Mettaton wants one again for vain reasons; those being to deprive Asgore of the opportunity and claim the title of the “Savior of the Underground” to himself.

Despite this being the most superficial similarity, it’s likely the most important: Both of their ‘ultimate’ forms—Mettaton NEO and God of Hyperdeath—have some interesting similarities between their designs. The most obvious is that they have these large wings jutting out, with Asriel’s having intricate color patterns while Mettaton’s flash between a brighter and darker shade of grey. Other similarities include excessively large shoulder blades and heart patterns on the chest area that are also shared with Undyne the Undying, indicating that this design motif is a trend among all major bosses considered to possess determination. Finally, this form also vaguely resembles the Delta Rune symbol, which I will elaborate on what they mean later. Despite all of this, it’s mainly the wings that are the contentious point of comparison, which I’ll get into later.

Lastly, they both seek a form of integration outside of themselves, with Asriel seeking once again the fusion of their soul with Chara’s, while Mettaton seeks total unification of their soul with their new body, and this is represented in the designs of their ultimate forms, with Mettaton’s ensignia featuring two hearts (one empty and one a monster soul) opposing each other, while Asriel’s features an empty soul within another empty soul. This is likely a metaphor that, despite all of the power he possesses, he’s still empty because he doesn’t have his friend with him. Conversely, this can apply to how Mettaton, despite achieving everything he basically dreamed of (as written in his diaries), feels empty because he abandoned Napstablook.

We’re finally done with comparisons to lay down the evidence for the main point. Now, we’ll get onto the Deltarune prophecy and what it means:

As most of you probably know, the Delta Rune is an emblem that represents the Kingdom of Monsters and is seen on the garments of every Boss Monster. In Waterfall, there are glyphs that describe a prophecy: “The Angel… The One Who Has Seen The Surface… They will return. And the underground will go empty.” If you ask Gerson to elaborate on what this means, he says that some monsters believe that this refers to a bleaker outlook: That the angel prophesied is actually a harbinger of death, and that this freedom actually refers to death.

If you connect the dots, you end up with two conflictingly obvious solutions: The first is that the player is the prophesied angel who appropriately fits both outlooks, being able to destroy the barrier and free monsterkind or free them mortally by attempting to slaughter all of them. However, another conclusion that can be drawn is that the angel prophesied is actually Asriel, and that you’re merely a vessel for his unwitting divine plan. While both are valid interpretations, the second is far more relevant to my point.

Also mentioned in those glyphs is the fact that not a single human soul was taken in the war between humans and monsters, alongside this is the missed opportunity to uncover that one can achieve godhood if they combine a human and monster’s souls. This implies a type of dualism as to whether or not the angel symbolizes the player or Asriel, as it’s more accurate to say that both the player and Asriel—the fusion of their souls—is the angel. This makes sense in both the contexts of the True Pacifist and No Mercy runs (and technically neutral), as both are attempts by Asriel to integrate with Chara again, with the former favoring Asriel’s determination while the latter favoring the player’s.

Now, what if I told you that Mettaton’s character in the story is his attempt to fulfill this prophecy artificially, thus making a false prophet of himself?

It seems hard to believe at first, but considering all the weird similarities between the staging and capabilities of both Asriel and Mettaton, it seems to imply that there’s some similarities between them in the context of the fate of monsterkind. Not only is it common knowledge among all monsters to speak of the prophecy, we also know Mettaton grew up in Waterfall alongside Napstablook and Shyren, meaning that this prophecy could’ve had more meaning to him specifically.

Now, it’s unknown whether or not the intentions to save monsterkind came about because of his hubris or because they were suggested to him by some higher command like Asgore, but considering that he states directly that he wants to kill you to prevent Asgore from taking your soul, it implies that Mettaton’s attempt at fulfilling the Delta Rune prophecy is entirely selfish.

One point of evidence in the camp that Mettaton was intentionally made to fulfill the Delta Rune prophecy is that Mettaton was made to impress Asgore according to Catty and Bratty. If this is true, then his position as a celebrity implies that he was made to be a beacon of hope that could be predictably grown and made to accomplish a purpose that fulfilled everyone’s collective desire. But the hair covering his right eye and its further concealment in his NEO form tells that, if he was created to fulfill the prophecy, then he wasn’t finished for this task and still required further tinkering from Alphys.

It may be entirely coincidental that Mettaton’s motivations as a character parallel and complement Asriel’s, but I find that hard to believe especially given the similarities of being separated from a lost sibling, seeking an integration of souls that’ll grant extraordinary power to embrace humanity to a degree, and possessing soulless objects. What I think really drives it home for me is the similarities between Mettaton NEO and the God of Hyperdeath, both of which are depicted as being angelic with prominent wings, which I’ll go on record to state are the only two boss fights in the game that feature wings prominently.

If Asriel is fulfilled as the angel of death, then the depiction of Mettaton NEO is given a newfound authenticity as he serves as the image of a guardian angel meant to stop you in a place where there is nobody to onlook, forcing him to act in authentic spirit. He now has the duty of protecting both monsterkind and humankind from you, even if he utterly fails at it.

One thing that’s hard to answer is how Mettaton is able to perform actions that imply metatextual awareness of the game and other similar actions Flowey does despite never being implied or hinted at possessing determination. Does this imply that, like Flowey, the process of integrating monster souls into inanimate objects grants them some form of determination? If so, it would grant greater proof as to why Mettaton has such a vested interest in fulfilling the Delta Rune prophecy beyond merely hearing about it. Yet, we know from the True Lab logs that Flowey was injected with determination while there’s no such implication that the same was done with Mettaton. However, we can gather from Napstablook being able to avoid being absorbed into Flowey as he transforms into Asriel that ghosts, as a type of monster, are seemingly immune to things other monsters aren’t. Perhaps this implies that they have metatextual powers like monsters with determination?

Now, here comes the really fun (and fortunately last) part where I draw parallels between these characters and the real-world mythology that may have inspired them:

Now, it’s a factoid among some that Asriel’s name may be inspired by Azrael, who is described as the angel of death in Judaism and Islam, and as part of that title, he separated souls from their bodies. His appearance has been described as being cosmically large, having an insurmountable amount of wings, and possessing a body formed of an amount of eyes and tongues representing every human being. Right away, we can see parallels to the God of Hyperdeath, who also has very large wings that appear to project a cosmic pattern within them. While its appearance may not correspond literally, he is a being composed of every human and monster soul in the Underground, eerily matching the description. Not to mention that Asriel absorbed Chara’s soul into them, equivalent to Azrael’s job of severing souls from their bodies.

Another factoid is that Metaton’s name is possibly inspired by Metatron, another angel of Judaism that, unlike Azrael, isn’t found in the Tanakh but is mentioned briefly in the Talmud. He has a similar job to Azrael in that he records the sins and merits of men, similar to how Azrael was able to see which names were blessed or damned. However, Metatron holds an even more lofty title in Kabbalistic mysticism as God’s mediator between men, being described as one “whose name is like that of his master”, even going as far as to be called “the lesser YHWH.” This is obviously a heretical dualistic proclivity in an otherwise monotheistic Judaism. Further, Metatron is related to Enoch, being described in Jewish apocrypha as the name Metatron used to have before he was transformed into an angel. Now, for all of that backstory, it parallels to Mettaton specifically in transformation: It seems as if Mettaton’s obsession with human reciprocation and the very humanoid appearance of his EX form imply that he wants to integrate into humanity similar to how Enoch entered angeldom.

The hot topic is whether or not Metatron’s power compared to that of God given the texts stating he was a secondary power in heaven with YHWH, but the answer most Rabbinistic scholars give is that he obviously wasn’t despite that it was written that all other angels bowed before him. However, this idea of there being dual power in Heaven is what later laid the groundwork for understanding the nature of Christ in Christianity. But in most Jewish sects, this doesn’t fly and is seen as a dualistic heresy, implying that there’s a falseness to Metatron’s power. Just like how there is a falseness to Mettaton’s power and intentions in all runs of the game. Another neat thing to note is that, as part of accepting Metatron as a real angel, one believes that any time a human believes God has directly spoken to them, it’s actually Metatron acting as his vessel. Perhaps this is parallel with how Mettaton is the voice of the Underground and it’s desire to be free despite himself possessing relatively lacking power?

The angel required a fusion of both a monster and human soul, and while Mettaton is the fusion between a monster soul and a soulless object akin to Flowey, it wasn’t enough to fulfill the role of the angel, falling short of his lofty dreams of being a savior. However, this disillusionment isn’t cruel, especially when you spare Mettaton and he receives a call from Napstablook (implied) that reminds him of his importance to monsterkind, making him reconsider his lofty ambitions to appeal to humanity. This is telling Mettaton that he is not a mediator between monster and humankind that he thought of himself as, for he never had the ability to combine both human and monster soul like Asriel. Perhaps he had the determination to be able to foresee the realization of the prophecy but not enough to put it into effect?

That’s just about everything I have to potentially support this theory, including referents to Jewish mythology. I firmly believe that Mettaton’s presence in the story was to serve as a false prophet to fulfill the prophecy of the Delta Rune, and that explains why his character and origin is so similar to that of Flowey.

[ethernetchord]

i was posed some interesting prompts/questions by @waywardrebelhairdodeputy-blog about iwwv so here are my responses!

1. Why do you think James punched Oliver? (During the sword play practice and also in the beginning of the book Gwendolyn asked James to think of something that would make him wanna punch Oliver and after a minute his eyes became hard, what do you think he thought of then at the moment?

oh, this is a cool question. there are a couple of angles I'd like to take with this so please, bear with me. Firstly I thought about this from the Rio/Oliver narration perspective. So let me pull out some Oliver quotes (concerning James)

"James and I put each other through the kind of reckless passions Gwendolyn once talked about, joy and anger and desire and despair."

"but in the red glare of the fire, he no longer looked so angelic. Instead, he was handsome the way you think of the devil as handsome—forbiddingly so."

"You’re—I don’t know, this fragile, elusive thing, and I feel like if I could just catch you, I could crush you... I should hate you right now. And I want to—God, I want to —but that’s not enough"

“Oliver, I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I want to hurt the whole world.” (James to Oliver)

Now, with all of this in mind, you'll come to realize that one of the most enticing and riveting things about these two is that their love and passion for each other is far from gentle or soft- contrasting greatly how many queer male relationships are represented. It's harsh, bright, sharp- it's ruthless but not uncaring. Oliver, highly repressed in himself becomes inwardly aggressive and violent- "I could crush you." "I should hate you... I want to" "Forbiddingly" - His affections towards James aren't entirely consensual on his own behalf, this makes him assaultive and frustrated. But only internally- he never acts on these feelings, he can't hurt James. James is the opposite of this- and you'd think with his gentle angelic, princely demeanor that he'd be equally repressive of his feelings and impulses but if the book has proven anything- it's that James is perfectly capable of causing physical harm. Rio presents them equally in their aggression but their approaches are foils of each other.

The next thing I'd propose- ultimately- is Meredith, and additionally, internalized homophobia. Now let's clarify: I don't think James had any doubts about his queer identity I just don't think he was entirely accepting of even himself. Because if we look at the one, explicit, instance in which James is murderously aggressive- Richard's murder- what two things does that event and his aggressions towards Oliver have in common? Meredith and homosexuality. Let me explain. Richard and Meredith, Meredick if you will, "She and Richard had been “together” in every typical sense of the word", it's nearly impossible to think of Richard without Meredith- and this might have been less significant if Meredith and Oliver didn't have the relationship they had and if Meredith had never propositioned James also. Her ties with all three of them is important. Now; homosexuality. Richard was acting explicitly homophobic- now whether this is true or not because I know that's been an argument itself- it has to stem from some reality for James. And with Oliver- well it's obvious there. So my point: James might have thought of Meredith and Oliver, of them together, of if she had propositioned Oliver in the same way. He might have thought of Oliver, of wanting to love him but not allowing himself, of Oliver slipping through his fingers, of Oliver hitting him for these very desires.

2. Also also also the part where James was drunk and blabbering like a fool out of guilt, he asked Wren to sleep with her so was he bisexual too? Or that was just a ruse to get away from Oliver at that moment, but there are parts where he was affectionate towards Wren (could be friendship, but he was twirling strands of hair at the nape of her neck and she was smiling so....)

I think different queer people might interpret this differently but this is my reading of it. I do think they were friendly- I think they were very close really. The situation with the photos in which James is playing with her hair while posing + plus the kiss (part of their performance) and finally him asking her to sleep with him- I don't think that it's impossible for him to be bisexual.

I've seen a lot of people say that he must be gay since he rejected Meredith but that's a very surface-level conclusion in my opinion. I think that his inability to be attracted to Mer had more to do with his genuine disliking towards her and that he just really didn't want to be another one of the boys she could play. I don't think it has to be concrete evidence of his complete homosexuality. I don't by any means think he was in love with Wren, however. The nature of James and Wren's relationship is nothing like Oliver and Meredith's. This is important. I think they were close, James loved her platonically enough and like you said, probably used her as a diversion for himself.

But- kinda in a different direction here, that it's not impossible that James and Wren was some form of straight-baiting for readers (and Oliver.) I don't know about other readers but I know that for most of the book I was convinced that the feelings between James and Oliver were unrequited on Oliver's behalf. I never suspected that James might harbor feelings back which leads me to this: Oliver might have over assumed the nature of their relationship due to his feelings of unrequitedness and incompatibility. As we're having to listen to Oliver's particular retelling of all this- it's easy to get lost in the lens he creates for us. After all, there are multiple versions of the truth.

But like I said- It's likely Wren was a similar distraction for James as Mer was for Oliver and It's also likely they genuinely had some form of relationship. Nothing's impossible.

The only just criticism for Iwwv I accept is that we never received a why for the way Richard was behaving (you could say he was always a dick and losing his main part made him more so) but all those violent tendencies toward everyone? Not justified, I would have liked more depth in his character and then there's the eating disorder of Caroline (Older sister) and how fickle and reckless Oliver was about it, he just didn't care (kinda sad to think about)

I TOTALLY agree with this. Some people might disagree with me when I say iwwv was actually a pretty short book- but between the amount that was Shakespeare extracts and due to the formatting, 400 pages really isn't a lot. I think Richard could have had more development- Hell most of the characters could have had more development but him specifically. His spiral into violence did feel really sudden and a little confusing. I mean as readers we were beginning to look for an antagonist, for someone to dislike because all the characters had pretty enjoyable personalities so when Richard begins to seem antagonistic we kind of follow it comfortably because it seems natural. However, thinking about it afterward you realize how little we truly know about Richard and his borderline insanity ykno? Even re-reading- Richard begins to become an uncomfortable character to readers very very early on. I was trying to find some foreshadowing or possible explanations and all I might be able to grasp at is the line:

"I didn't mean there are exactly fourteen," Richard said thinly. "I mean it would be impossible to isolate one that leads him to skewering himself." (page 57, when discussing Brutus.)

I know Richard doesn't play Brutus but I think this is still notable- It's kind of impossible to find the one thing that drew Richard into this downfall and it would have been a combination of many things, like with any human character. But I do agree Rio could have given us some more space to learn about all those factors for him. Reading from the perspective of Oliver makes this hard because well- He is an unreliable narrator and it's impossible to know how everything played out and why because of this. Especially since Oliver and Richard were never the most friendly. Additionally, I think the closest thing Rio really gives us is Oliver's delivery of the iconic "Actors are by nature volatile" line.

The same goes for the situation with Oliver's sister. I think we didn't hear much about her because Oliver didn't care enough. He was far too overwhelmed with anger and disappointment from being put second to his sister to really muster up the energy to care enough to expose more to readers. Unfortunately, she was simply a side character even in his life, too unnotable to him or his plot (as he's retelling the story). Much of the flaws of this book with the lack of development of other characters- particularly their motives and side plots boil down, essentially to the unreliable narration. This is why so many people do not like this book- and others like it. We are, to some degree, always kept in the dark about something. Because so is Oliver- as much as he (and in turn, we) could spectate about why things happened the way they did, he (we) could never really know. There is beauty and frustration in this simultaneously.

I could say so much more about all my thoughts on Richard but I'll save you that (for now) because I don't think I could explain him but I definitely have my theories.

[cyhyr]

Whumpmas In July: Hope

Fandom: Naruto

Rating: E

Pairing: Hatake Kakashi/Umino Iruka

WC: ~7040

Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply

Notes: Hospitalization, Mental Health Issues, Dissociation, Therapy, Making Up, Communication, Heavy Conversations, Angst, Triggers, Recovery, Frottage, Rimming, Safewords

A/N: Remember how I'm garbage at interpreting prompts? The vibe of Hope is there. But it's not... explicitly stated? This is just a little bit of plot. And a lot of filth.

A/N2: Terminal lucidity is a thing for coma patients; but it's SUPER rare. I am, however, making the shit up about dissociation, if that's not how it works. I just wanna write a fun story where I put this guy through as much pain as possible; and I only ever give myself three days to write these stories and that does not leave time for research. I apologize in advance.

Follow-up to “Secret”

For @whumpmasinjuly prompt list

Read on The Archive

~

Kakashi has time built up. He hasn’t taken time for himself since Rin—oh, but anyway—and so he’s able to wait. And wait. He stays in the village, walking around during the day and hanging in one specific tree outside the hospital at night.

In the dim light of the early morning, Kakashi crouches outside the window of Iruka’s hospital room and watches over him as he sleeps. Once he brought Iruka back to the village, Tomi-sensei admitted him for inpatient care. She promised to oversee his care personally, and reported directly to Tsunade morning and night.

It’s been almost a week.

…

Kakashi watched Iruka stumble back from Mizuki, hands dripping blood into the floor. The kunai drops with an echoing thud to the floor—

Followed by Iruka, dropping hard to his knees.

Kakashi skidded in behind him and clutched him, back to his chest. The pack whined and yipped around him and he couldn’t care because Iruka was under again and there’s no reason for it.

“Love? Iruka, please, talk to me.”

“Boss—”

“No, Urushi,” he snapped. He turned Iruka in his lap, cradled him in the crook of one arm and braced him against his knee. “Iruka, please,” he begged, shaking him gently.

“Bull, Bisuke, Shiba—get the doc and bring her in here,” Pakkun barked.

Kakashi fell back on his heels and pulled Iruka into his lap, ever closer. “Iruka, tell me what you need, please.”

Iruka’s eyes were distant and unfocused, his breath coming in soft pants. He was limp in Kakashi’s arms, a soft weight on his thighs.

The door opened and a high-pitched gasp caught his attention. Kakashi turned to face Rikona as she stepped closer, three of the pack herding her along with bared teeth.

“What’s happening to him?” he growled.

Rikona crossed the cabin, knelt beside him, and hovered her fingertips over Iruka’s neck. “I…”

“Do your fucking job,” he hissed.

She checked his pulse, held fingers in front of his open mouth, and tipped his chin up to look in his eyes. She frowned. “Why is he bloody?”

“Look behind you.”

Rikona did, and choked on a scream.

Kakashi held back a smirk. She still hadn’t told him how this could have happened.

“Mi-Mizu—”

“We don’t care about the dead rapist,” Kakashi seethed. “What happened to Iruka? Why is he under???”

“Dissociation, especially in Iruka-sensei’s case, is a defensive response,” Rikona answers quickly. “The mind can’t handle current events, and as such it just. Turns off. Sometimes learned behaviors can be conditioned during these times, as they… seem to have been, with him. B-but mostly he’s just… overwhelmed.”

“So he’ll wake up in a little bit?”

“I don’t… I don’t know. He’s been slipping under too much lately, and having been forced under just tonight… I swear, Hatake-san, I didn’t know—”

“You think I give a fuck about your apologies right now???” Kakashi snapped. In his arms, Iruka flinched hard, and tears started welling up in the corners of his eyes. “Shit, Love, no, please, not you, not you,” he whispered quickly, rocking them both back and forth, petting Iruka’s hair and kissing his forehead, his eyelids, his cheeks. “Everything’s alright, I’m sorry, I’m sorry…”

“Bring him to Tomi-sensei,” Rikona said softly, gently; she didn’t seem to want to invoke a negative response in either of them. “She knows about his episodes, she can design a treatment program for him.”

“What, and leave you here?”

“I plan to turn myself in,” Rikona reiterated.

“Forgive me if I can’t trust you,” Kakashi gritted. “Pack, two to the Hokage to report the incident, the rest escort her to T&I.” He gathered Iruka into his arms, sliding his arm under his knees and pressing his way up to standing. Bull came behind him to brace him as he stood. “Thanks,” he muttered down at him once he was on his feet.

Pakkun shook his head. “Go. Get Iruka-Boss to the hospital. We’ll check in when we can.”

Kakashi flickered away through a smashed window. With Iruka tucked against him, he flew through the trees back to the village.

(He doesn’t remember crying.)

(He doubts he made it the whole way without shedding at least one tear.)

…

Tomi-sensei says he’s making progress. Tsunade tells him that she won’t let Iruka stay under forever; that she’ll find a way to bring him back.

Kakashi watches Iruka open his eyes, still glassy and unfocused. He leaves the tree once his nurse comes in to help Iruka get cleaned up and fed.

He’s so tired.

~

Rikona doesn’t get a trial. Once before them, she admits to everything before the Counsel and the Hokage.

It doesn’t stop Kakashi from catching up to the ANBU team escorting her to prison and asking for a few minutes alone with her.

And if she needs Otter to heal her arm from the multiple fractures she sustains after that meeting… and if Otter messes up their jutsu enough that the fractures don’t all heal correctly… and if Rikona never regains full range of motion for her arm…

Well. They can’t pin that on Kakashi.

The ANBU team never saw him.

And he was also seen sparring with Gai at the time.

~

He’s stepping over Bull to get to the living room, watering can in hand. When Iruka comes home, his plants will be perfect. The whole pack is lounging around the room; Iruka would love having his house so full.

He finishes watering one plant, and a knock comes at the front door. Kakashi glares down at all the ninken and says, “What, no warning?”

“It’s just a messenger,” Shiba groans.

Kakashi goes to the door and presses his palm to the wood to undo the seals. When he opens the door, a genin messenger stands on the porch.

He bows. “Hatake-san. Tomi-sensei has asked that you come to the hospital.”

Kakashi nods, projecting calm for the genin, and shuts the door.

The calm, of course, was a façade. “PACK, DISPERSE.” He throws his feet into his sandals and feels the pull on his chakra from the ninken release as they all leave. He slips his vest and hitai-ate on, resets the wards, and takes off out the kitchen window—the one that faces in the direction of the hospital.

He’s across the village and launching himself through the window beside the admission desk on the third floor mental health unit in minutes. Aiko-chan startles at his palms slamming down on her desk, but she smiles and points to the hallway leading to Tomi-sensei’s office. He passes the few people in the waiting room, not quite running anymore, not while he’s inside the hospital, and stops in front of Tomi-sensei’s door

He knocks.

“Come in.”

The door creaks softly as he pushes it open. He’s spent so much time in this office over the last week, discussing treatment options and hearing how much progress Iruka seems to be making. He doesn’t want to step foot in a hospital again after he gets Iruka home.

Tomi-sensei smiles when she catches his eye. He barely spares her a glance before he’s falling to his knees in front of one of the two other chairs on the other side of her desk, placing one hand on the arm of the chair and reaching the other up, hesitantly, to cup Iruka’s cheek.

“Hello, Love,” Iruka says, his voice soft and weak.

Kakashi’s voice is just as soft, and he desperately holds back the urge to cry. “You’re okay?”

Iruka shakes his head. “Definitely not. I… I killed him, Kakashi.”

“Rikona’s in prison.”

“And she tricked—!”

“Gods, I’m sorry,” Kakashi shoves his head into Iruka’s chest, the hospital scrubs too clean and smelling of bleach and it’s overriding Iruka’s own scent—the scent he’d lost, fuck—and that just can’t stand. He reaches one hand around Iruka’s back and slides it up and under the back of his shirt, to feel warm skin on his palm, and he leans up and nuzzles into Iruka’s neck and oh there he is.

Iruka

“You have nothing to apologize for,” Iruka says, guiding him closer with a hand on the back of his head. “This. It’s just another hurdle.”

“It’s a big fucking hurdle.”

Iruka shakes with silent, humming laughter. “Still. I’m here, Kakashi.”

“I—”

Tomi-sensei clears her throat softly, interrupting them. “Hatake-san, he’ll need to stay under surveillance for at least two more days, to be sure this resurfacing isn’t terminal lucidity.”

“Terminal…?” He pulls out of Iruka’s neck and looks at her. “What is that?”

“Similar to a coma patient,” Tomi starts. “There are cases wherein a coma patient wakes up, feels perfectly fine for a few hours or a day or two, and then dies anyway. In a similar fashion, we’re understandably concerned for Iruka-sensei’s mental state; that this might be like one final gasp before he dissociates permanently.”

Kakashi turns back to Iruka and leans in again. He slips his hitai-ate off, and presses his temple against Iruka’s chest to hear his heartbeat. Iruka holds his hitai-ate for him, and holds him, and the thought that he could lose this for good settles in his gut and—and—

One tear falls from each eye; his own, and Obito’s.

~

Kakashi stays just outside the hospital, in the same tree beside Iruka’s window, for two more days. Tomi-sensei lets him visit during the day, and he does and he keeps Iruka company; she says that physical contact could help Iruka remain present. He holds Iruka’s hands and presses kisses to whatever skin he’s allowed and helps him go through his sensory exercises every hour and a half. The kitchen sends up a second lunch and dinner for him so he can eat beside Iruka, and when Iruka eyes his gelatin he gladly gives it up in exchange for a kiss.

And then when visiting hours are over and Iruka has to go to sleep, Kakashi kisses him one last time and jumps out the window. He pretends, for Iruka’s sake, to go home; he really just hides up on the roof for an hour and then goes down to the tree and waits for morning.

If something were to happen…

But the two days of surveillance pass without a hitch and when he comes in on the third day, after having run home for a shower and clean blacks, Iruka is eating breakfast with a wide smile and a fresh uniform laid out on the chair beside his bed.

“Hello, Love,” Kakashi says, grinning back. “Good news?”

“Tsunade-sama just left,” Iruka says through a mouthful of rice. He swallows. “I still need a month of leave at least, but I’m cleared to move to outpatient care.” He motions to the uniform, “Shizune-san brought me a new uniform; the one you brought me in with was… um.”

“Unsalvageable.”

“Yes.”

“I would have burned it if they tried to give it back to you.”

Iruka chuckles. “You’re sweet.”

Kakashi shrugs. “You don’t need that kind of reminder soaked into your clothes.”

“Even if they’ve been cleaned?”

“Iruka. You would still know.”

He smiles into his lap. “That’s true. You understand me so well.”

“I love you,” Kakashi sighs. “Understanding comes with the territory.”

Iruka’s blush is gorgeous. “I love you, too.”

“Do you know your therapy schedule?”

“No. Tomi-sensei is scheduled to be here in—um—ten minutes. She’s gonna give me discharge papers and go over a therapy schedule then.”

“Want me to help you get dressed?”

“After I finish eating.”

~

Kakashi sets the paper bag of prescription bottles on the table in the genkan and offers his hand to Iruka to help him balance so he can toe out of his sandals. One of the side-effects of the medications he’s taking to help keep the dissociation at bay and his mood stable is vertigo.

(Iruka had asked if Kakashi could wait until the lunch hour, when everyone is busy with meals and meetings—and he blushed and stammered all the while he tried to get the words out but finally he muttered, “Could you just… carry me? I can’t—I don’t wanna trip the whole way home…”

“Always.”)

Vests, hitai-ate, wrappings, gloves, most weapons; all get set in their place in the genkan. And then he leads Iruka to the kitchen and sits him down at the table, holding out his arms on either side of Iruka’s shoulders for a moment. “Alright?”

Iruka hasn’t stopped grinning since they left the hospital. “I’m fine, Kakashi.”

He slowly lowers his arms. “Tea?”

“Something weak, please.” Iruka lays his head down on his arms, on the tabletop, and Kakashi feels his eyes tracking him across the kitchen as he moves about. Water in the kettle, kettle on the stove, tea tins out of the cabinet; cups, honey, a spoon; the diffuser of a puppy with its paws curved in such a way that when he puts it on the edge of the cup it’ll hang there while the tea steeps.

After quiet minutes pass and the kettle whistles, Kakashi puts a cup of herbal tea in front of him, the puppy diffuser facing Iruka. He slides the honey closer in case he wants some, but he specifically wants it weak. Iruka takes the diffuser out of the tea a minute later, as Kakashi is placing a plate of crackers on the table within easy reach.

“Not hungry,” Iruka says, cupping his fingers around the tea and inhaling the light floral scent.

“That’s the medication talking,” Kakashi points out. “You should eat. Even just two bites.”

Iruka takes a cracker and nibbles at it. He lifts his head enough to take a sip of tea.

“Love, I… I know I should wait.”

“Kakashi?”

“But I need to know,” Kakashi reaches across the table to link their fingers together. “When you were… dreaming.”

Iruka goes pale, and Kakashi knows.

“It wasn’t Sato, was it?”

His voice is small and reserved. “No. No it wasn’t.”

“And Tsunade-sama said you had received correspondence from Mizuki. Before I came home.”

“I did. Rikona-sensei made it look like it came from the prison, but it wasn’t.”

“But it was his words, and his handwriting.”

“Yes.”

“And you… you hid it from me. You lied to me.”

“I… yes. I did. Kakashi—”

“Why?” He’s trying so hard to keep his voice from going cold, but the anger is rising and Iruka needs to have a good reason, please, gods let him have a good reason.

Iruka puts his head back down on his arms. He looks so tired. He should have waited, but he needs to know. “Tomi-sensei said it’s a thing that… that the abused tend to do.”

Kakashi’s heart stops. Iruka’s never… never referred to Mizuki as abusive, never let Kakashi say it either. He waits for Iruka to continue, and continue he does.

“It’s an ingrained habit; a learned behavior. One that I never… I never unlearned,” Iruka sighs lightly. “The habit to protect him. To shrug off his behavior. To try and… and explain it away, even if only to myself.”

“You were protecting—”

“You’ve expressed a constant desire to kill him. In that exact moment, yes, all I could think about was how do I keep one lover from killing the previous one. That he used to… to—”

Iruka stumbles to his feet and trips over himself to the sink, braces his arms on the counter, and breathes harshly. “He-he… oh gods, I fucking let him do this to me and—”

“Iruka, deep breaths,” Kakashi comes up behind him and places his hand on Iruka’s belly. “Push my hand out, that’s it. Deeper, slower now. I’m sorry, I know this isn’t the time for this conversation—”

“He raped me. He used to even wh-when Naruto was in the next room,” Iruka cries. “He threatened to hurt Naruto, and I gave him myself instead. I gave him everything! And he still. He still. Gods, Kakashi, I killed him. He’s gone. Why don’t I feel… I don’t know, lighter?”

“You still killed, Iruka,” Kakashi says. He keeps his tone low, soothing, pressing his chest along the length of Iruka’s back, stroking Iruka’s belly through his shirt. “You killed him, but you… you loved him, once. That. That’s going to hurt.”

It hurts to say it out loud. That Iruka had once loved that bastard. But, gods, it’s true, isn’t it.

“I wanted to protect him,” Iruka sniffles. “I never wanted you to… I didn’t think it would get this bad. I thought I just needed to sleep it off, that once I got some sleep, I could burn the note and everything would just. Be okay. And then the second letter came—”

“The one Rikona forged, the request.” Kakashi barely held back the growl.

Iruka nods. Kakashi can feel his stomach clench under his palm; he nudges Iruka just a little further over the sink. “And I just. I was slipping. So I went to see her, because it seemed like the thing to do. Because she was supposed to be part of my support system. Because you were already leaving again for another mission and I didn’t want to bother you—”

“You are never a bother, Love,” Kakashi kisses his cheek.

“I just wanted to know how he found me. I didn’t want him dead. I didn’t want to kill him,” Iruka cries harder, tears dripping into the sink. “Gods, Kakashi, I never wanted him dead. He betrayed the village, he hurt Naruto, he—he deserved to live with what he’d done.”

“I know,” Kakashi says; he doesn’t understand, but he knows that that’s Iruka’s position.

“But he leveled that kunai at you and I—I was so far under if it had been anyone else I probably wouldn’t have come back.” Iruka wipes at his face with the back of his hand, takes in a shaky breath. “I’m sorry for lying. I was going to tell you. I just needed to sleep, first.”

“I would have investigated it for you.”

“I wouldn’t have wanted you to,” Iruka shakes his head. “I just wanted you to stay with me. I meant what I said in Rikona’s office. I need you as that steady, sturdy place I can fall when life goes to shit.”

“Still. Iruka, I just wanted to help.”

“You would have tried to kill him.”

Kakashi says nothing to that.

“I couldn’t… can’t. I don’t know—” Iruka shivers against him, and Kakashi hugs him close and rocks them back and forth gently. His hands come up and hold onto Kakashi’s arms, and Kakashi buries his face in Iruka’s neck. “I remember,” Iruka starts slowly, “when we were teenagers, my jōnin-sensei asked about the bruises on my neck, my wrists, m-my hips, once when we went to an onsen. And I remember telling her that my boyfriend and I just like it rough. And she was. She was so upset.”

“There were many people who were aware of what was happening,” Kakashi says slowly, “but we couldn’t do anything unless you spoke up, or we caught him in the act. And your apartment was always perfectly sealed.”

Iruka freezes. “You. You knew?”

“I was never on those squads,” Kakashi says, now leading Iruka by the hands to the living room, so they could sit back down. “I only heard about it from Sandaime, and from the ANBU locker room. The old man had squads watching over you on nights Mizuki would stay over.”

“How many… how many people know?”

“Iruka.”

“How many?”

“There were only ever the two squads, that I knew about,” Kakashi sighs, bringing Iruka to sit on the couch. “Of those, half are dead. Two are retired. The other two are still active. They were usually really good about only talking about it when they were alone, but I walked in on their conversations a few times. I’m sure others did, too.”

Iruka leans his head in his palms, his elbows on his knees.

Kakashi rubs his back. “Love, I had an idea of what I was getting into. And I decided that you were worth it anyway.”

Iruka makes a soft, keening sound. “Sap.”

“I keep choosing you, every day, after every trial we go through. And I fully intend to keep choosing you for a long time.”

“Oh gods, Kakashi, you can’t just say that.”

“I forgive you for lying,” Kakashi says, shifting closer and nuzzling Iruka’s hair. “Just don’t ever keep stuff like that from me again, please.”

Iruka leans into him, removing his hands from his face. He looks up at Kakashi and those eyes are glistening with tears still unshed and it hurts Kakashi’s heart to see him cry, so he carefully brushes the tears back and strokes his fingers down the side of Iruka’s face. And… it’s been long enough, hasn’t it?

“Gods, Iruka,” Kakashi murmurs, “You…”

He smiles softly and the room warms and Kakashi’s breath hitches.

“Me?” Iruka asks.

Kakashi pulls Iruka up to lay on his chest, holding him close. He pushes Iruka’s bangs back—they’d fallen out of the low tie at the back of his neck. It’s been two months, and he knows that he could fuck this up if he’s not really ready for this, but gorgeous and striking and handsome just don’t cut it and he needs—he needs—

“You’re so beautiful,” Kakashi whispers.

And his heart picks up, but Iruka stays in front of him and even grips him tighter.

~

Part of the therapy schedule includes a couple’s therapy session and Kakashi hates it, but for Iruka he goes. And once he’s there he just… zones out.

He watches the window; the trees waving in the wind outside. He holds Iruka’s hand and lets him talk and field all the questions and when their hour is up he stands and follows Iruka out. Iruka doesn’t seem upset at his lack of desire to participate, just… resigned.

It happens twice.

The third time, Kakashi tries. He pays attention.

The therapist—Osamu-sensei—asks if they’ve decorated the upstairs, what is to be Naruto’s room when he returns from training with Jiraiya. Iruka looks embarrassed for a moment, like he doesn’t want to answer.

“We’re waiting for Naruto to come home,” Kakashi says, “so he can pick out his own furnishings.”

It startles both Iruka and Osamu-sensei, but the therapist brightens up immediately. “You think of Iruka-sensei’s house as home, too, then?”

“I… well, I think of Iruka as home,” Kakashi admits. This is therapy. If he can’t admit it here, then where?

Iruka blushes a deep red, so very fetching with his eyes.

“And, Iruka-sensei, your response?”

“That’s. Um. Honestly, I just hadn’t had the time. It’s only been about a month since I moved and we’ve not heard from Naruto in… a while. So. I figure we have time.”

Osamu-sensei nods. “Looking at the future, then. Both of you.” He makes a scribble. “I’m very happy you’ve joined the conversation, Kakashi-san.”

“Maa… it’s to help Iruka, so,” he shrugs, and he hopes it comes off as nonchalant.

“Even if that’s your motivation, we’re glad to have you.”

The session goes by faster after that.

~

And Iruka’s happier when they get home, so much happier. Three weeks on the medication and he’s adjusted to most of the side-effects, even if the full effect of the mood stabilizers won’t occur for another two or three weeks. They get inside and strip off vests, wrappings, hitai-ate, sandals—and once they’re down to their uniform blacks Iruka takes his hands and leads him to the bedroom.

“Can I—?”

“Are you ready for this?” Kakashi interrupts him, stopping them just in the doorway.

Iruka presses his palms to Kakashi’s chest and grins. “Are you going to let a dead man stop me from stripping for you?”

Kakashi groans. “I’m trying to be a good person. I’m trying. So hard. To be what you need to recover.”

Iruka backs up into the bedroom, pulling his shirt up and over his head. He throws the shirt at Kakashi's face and says, “Yes, I know. So, so hard.”

Kakashi catches the shirt and pulls it away, to watch as Iruka continues by unbuttoning his trousers and slowly lowering the zip. His mouth goes dry.

“Kakashi, I want you,” Iruka says, shimmying out of his trousers, kicking them aside, and then he’s standing in front of the bed—their bed, in all but name, gods—in his boxers and sticking his thumbs in the elastic and pulling down, down, down…

“Iruka. Please. Please don’t tease—”

“Who said I’m teasing? Don’t you want me, too?”

“Fuck, yes.”

“Then why are you still in the doorway?”

He’s not, not for long. He tears his own shirt off over his head as he stalks forward, tossing it carelessly aside and then reaching for Iruka, Iruka, bare and bronze and warm, and skimming his fingertips over chest, waist, arms, abs—

“Kakashi, please,” Iruka whimpers, his own arms coming up and encircling his neck.

“Ask. Whatever you want, Love, it’s yours,” he murmurs.

“Kiss me.”

He does, oh he does. Kakashi catches Iruka’s lips in his teeth and moves their mouths together gently to find a rhythm of kisses and licking and breathing, designed to overwhelm Iruka with sensation and keep him here. The most precious sounds escape his throat, soft moans and sighs as he trails his hands over Kakashi’s shoulders and down his chest. Kakashi reaches down with both hands and cups Iruka’s ass, groaning deep in his chest as he squeezes each cheek.

“Hold on,” he mutters against Iruka’s lips. His arms tighten around his neck, and then Kakashi lifts Iruka, his weight full in his hands and the plush warmth of his ass spilling from between his fingers. Iruka swings his legs around Kakashi’s waist and Kakashi groans into their kiss to feel the flex and stretch of muscle under his palms. He steps closer to the bed, turns, and sits down with Iruka on his lap.

They’re both hard. He needs to remove layers. Shit, he should have taken his trousers off first.

Iruka’s still kissing him, fingers in his hair and teeth biting at his mouth; his hips, at the same time, are rocking slowly across his thighs and he’s driving Kakashi crazy. He shifts back along the bedspread, keeping Iruka attached to him at the hips. And then Iruka puts a hand in the center of his chest and gently pushes, and Kakashi falls first to his elbows, and then all the way to his back.

He grabs Iruka’s hips, flexes his own, and shifts them fully onto the bed. Iruka groans at the movement, bracing his hands on Kakashi’s shoulders. He looms over Kakashi, and smiles down at him.

It’s perfect.

Iruka grinds back against Kakashi’s cock and it’s heaven and hell at the same time. “Love you,” Kakashi rambles breathlessly. “Fucking sexy, riding me like this, gods Iruka you look perfect—love you, love you, love you.”

“Kakashi—oh—”

He bites his lip and tosses his head back, frotting faster and harder and Kakashi gets his hands back on where they belong, pulls him closer and tighter and relishes the loud moan he receives.

“Gods among us, Iruka, your ass—”

He plants his feet and grinds, holding Iruka against him all the while. The pressure, the friction, the heat; it’s maddening. He’s panting, desperate for a good breath and unable to take one.

“K’shi, I—ahh, yes, fuck—wanna… want, oh-oh—”

“Whatever you want. Take it. It’s yours.”

Iruka leans down and kisses him again, slowing their hips to a more gentle frot and tweaking one of his nipples. Kakashi groans and lets himself be devoured, panting into Iruka’s mouth while their tongues slip and slide together. Iruka’s kisses slow to a simmer, both of them gasping and touching and still slowly grinding.

Iruka licks their lips; laughs lightly; and says, “I want. I wanna ask for something. A-and it just—I don’t like asking because it always feels like a bad idea at the time, like if I want it, there’s no way you also could want it… y’know?”

“Iruka. Love. Please ask. The last time you had one of these so-called ‘bad ideas’ it turned into one of my favorite things you do for me.”

It helps immensely that Iruka also enjoys warming Kakashi’s cock.

Iruka flushes dark and holds himself up on his palms, braced on the pillow to either side of Kakashi’s ears. His boxers have a damp spot, one that Kakashi can feel against his belly as Iruka continues to slowly rock his hips back and forth over Kakashi’s own erection.

“Okay. Um.” Iruka’s eyes shut tight, and Kakashi grins. Whatever he’s going to ask, he’s sure to enjoy it. “Well, so I was. Thinking. About things I never did with… anyway. And during a break from him, there was this one guy—”

“Love?”

“Gods, okay. Um.” He takes a deep breath and spits it out at once: “Haveyouevereatenass??”

Kakashi blinks.

Stares.

His heart skips. Multiple times.

“Kakashi?” Iruka’s voice is small. He looks away—no, wait, come back—“I didn’t think it would—”

“You would. I… could?” Kakashi takes in a loud breath and lets it go shakily. “Oh gods. Yes. Now? Can we do that now? Please. Please, fuck, sit on my face; if I die, I die smothered by the best ass ever. Let me; oh shit, Iruka—”

He laughs nervously. “Kakashi, okay, just. Let me go take a shower first, yeah?”

Kakashi groans. “Nooo,” he squeezes Iruka’s ass—the same ass he’s going to fucking devour oh fuck—“Now.”

“You whine worse than my pre-genin.” Iruka lifts himself off of Kakashi, stands next to the bed and stretches; his boxers fall just a little lower and Kakashi’s eyes focus on the trail of hair from his navel disappearing under the elastic. His mouth is horribly dry. Iruka grins down at him. “Would you like to come in the shower with me?”

Kakashi shakes his head. “I can’t. You. Wet. Fingering yourself. Nope. Can’t do it.”

Iruka laughs outright and leans back over and kisses him softly. “Alright. I’ll be right back.”

I’ll be here. Kakashi picks his head up just enough to watch Iruka go, biting his lip at the subtle sway of his hips; he knows what he’s doing, that minx.

~

Iruka leans against the wall beside the bedroom door, a towel around his waist and his hair damp and loose around his shoulders. He is trying desperately to pull himself together. He knew going into this that Kakashi was either going to be grossed out or ecstatic. Himself? He’s excited, but just as he had been the first time they tried something… new, he is worried.

Triggers could happen regardless.

He heaves deep breaths, his shoulders moving with the force of them.

Three. Two. One.

He turns and goes inside. The door creaks softly under his palm and his eyes widen at the sight of Kakashi, spread out on his bed, idly stroking his cock with a loose fist. Both eyes are closed and his head is turned to the side, showing off the elegant curve of his neck. He’s flushed to his chest, panting lightly; his other hand is busy with his nipple, tweaking and pinching it to an inflamed pink.

“Oh, Kakashi,” Iruka groans. “How long. What. Fuck.”

“Very… hmm, articulate, Love.”

Iruka huffs a laugh, and crosses the room to stand beside the bed. Kakashi doesn’t stop touching himself; but he does open his eye.

“You. You look gorgeous,” Iruka says, skimming his fingertips along Kakashi’s abdomen, dipping a fingertip in his navel.

“And you need to sit on my face.”

Iruka feels his face heat up fast. “I-I never said I would do that.”

“Let me die a happy man, please.”

“Kakashi.”

He laughs, stops fondling himself, and rolls up to sit on the edge of the bed. Reaching out for Iruka, he pulls him closer with gentle tugs on his towel, and then buries his face in Iruka’s chest, kissing and licking every bit of skin he can reach without shifting his head too much. He wraps his arms around Iruka’s waist and holds him close, and Iruka moans at the attention and cards his fingers through Kakashi’s hair.

“Want you. Want to taste you. Want you writhing on my tongue,” Kakashi murmurs into his chest, still kissing and nipping him. He latches onto a nipple for a second; Iruka cries out softly, presses his chest further into Kakashi’s mouth. “Please. Please. Want to make you … shit. Fuck. Iruka. I need—”

“S-say it.”

Kakashi looks up at him, awe clear in his face. Iruka strokes the back of his fingers down Kakashi’s cheek. “It’s. I’m okay.” Deep breath. “Make me feel good, Love.”

He couldn’t have anticipated the deep groan, one that sounded almost painful; nor does he expect to be flipped around and bent over the bed with the soft thud of Kakashi’s knees hitting the floor behind him. Strong hands tug at his towel and then he’s naked, ass-out in front of his partner, and that same painful groan comes from behind him.

Kakashi presses one hand on the small of his back, and with the other starts petting the globe of his ass. “One tap means yes,” Kakashi mutters.

Oh.

He can feel his breath on—

Ohhh…

“T-two for no. Please, Kakashi.”

“Tell me to stop.”

“Wh-what?”

“Say the word, show me you can say it if you need to, please,” Kakashi says quickly.

Iruka buries his face in his arms, groaning. He whispers the word, “Stop,” and waits for Kakashi’s next insane request.

“Thank the gods. Can I. Please. Oh. Now, now, I want—”

“Kakashi, stop talking a—Ahhh!!!”

The first touch of Kakashi’s soft, wet tongue to his hole collapses Iruka fully onto the bed. He spreads his legs slightly and arches his back. Kakashi’s hand slips to the other side of his ass, groping and petting down to his thigh and back up again. Iruka writhes, his cock trapped between his stomach and the sheets and the friction is nice but Kakashi licking him in broad, slow strokes is maddening. He pants into the cradle of his arms as Kakashi begins delicately thumbing at his hole in opposition with his tongue—lick, press, lick, press—and then the very tip of his tongue slides into him and the sound that escapes Iruka is unhinged.

“More. More, please!”

~

Kakashi takes his hips in hand and noses his way in-between Iruka’s cheeks, mouthing and slurping away. His chin is already on its way to being soaked with spit, but then so is Iruka’s ass and, well, if he didn’t like it he’d say so.

His breath is coming fast, his pulse beating faster. He can feel it throbbing in his neck, the need for air, to slow down and relax, but oh Iruka’s making such wonderful noises and grinding back against his face. It’s glorious. What’s better is when he writhes away from Kakashi—he can infer from that motion alone that Iruka’s hard and likely aching.

Not unlike himself. But this isn’t about him.

This is about Iruka.

This is about Kakashi getting to suffocate himself in the Best Ass In Konoha, and yeah, he’s getting lightheaded from being down for so long but he’s messily kissing Iruka’s hole and slowly easing his way to getting his tongue inside and who gives a fuck about silly things like breathing when he has ass to eat?

“Oh gods, oh fuck, yes—Ahh—so g-good, Kakashi—!”

His eye rolls back, fuck, Iruka doesn’t get vocal in bed. Ever. But this—if this is what gets him going, Kakashi will eat him out every fucking day for the rest of their lives. He’s even using that damn trigger word; stuttering on it but still.

He deserves a reward.

Kakashi spreads Iruka’s ass, takes just a half second to catch his breath, and then dives back in. This time, he’s merciless with his tongue, licking fast and not caring how loud they’re getting. They have a house now; who cares about noise complaints. And when Iruka’s writhing shifts his legs just that little bit wider, Kakashi hums against his hole and shoves his tongue into Iruka as far as he can.

“Kakashi!”

He thumbs at his rim with both hands, stretching his hole while he licks him inside. So good, so good, Iruka, fucking perfect—

“I—I need. Kakashi. Please. Just. A minute. Please.”

He pulls back, frowning. “I’m sorry. Too much?”

Iruka’s panting like he just sprinted from fucking Suna. “No. Gods, no. It’s. You’re doing. It’s amazing. I just,” he chuckles, a hint of self-deprecation in the tone. “M-my knees are gonna give out, if you keep that up.”

Kakashi gently pushes on his thighs. “Then get on the bed. Chest down, ass up. Believe me, I don’t want to be done with you yet.”

Iruka’s face is flushed, down his neck and up to his ears. It’s such a sweet image. But he climbs up anyway, hugging a pillow to his chest and arching his back—

If Iruka can say his trigger word during sex. Kakashi… he can do it too.

He palms Iruka’s ass, shiny with spit and rim puffy pink where he’s been laving attention. The sensual curve of his back, his hair tossed over one shoulder so Kakashi can see the side of his face and neck, the sturdy muscular thighs supporting each perfectly perk check; Iruka’s still moaning, whimpering, waiting for him to continue.

“Fuck, you’re beautiful,” Kakashi says reverently, and dips his head once again.

This time, he lets his hands explore—he smooths up Iruka’s sides, skipping over each rib; he lightly taps at Iruka’s chest enough that he picks himself up to his elbows, the perfect amount of room for Kakashi to slip his fingers underneath him to tweak and pinch at his nipples; one hand stays, the other comes back down Iruka’s spine, lovingly touching each vertebrae and hovering protectively over the fūma shuriken scar for a moment before moving on. He slips his thumb back beside his tongue, holding Iruka open so he can better love on his hole.

All the while, Iruka’s hips are grinding against his face, rocking back onto Kakashi’s tongue, and he’s blessed to have such a responsive partner but the movement makes eating his ass so, so hard.

So with both hands he grabs Iruka’s hips and holds him tight and murmurs into his hole, “Stay still, so I can pleasure you.”

And Iruka.

Iruka whines.

“Please,” he whispers. “Please keep talking.”

Kakashi, given the requests both to feast on the Best Ass In Konoha and to run his mouth during sex, obliges the best he can.

“Love you, love your ass, oh gods,” he stops to lick broad strokes again, panting and aching. “Want. Wanted to. Oh, Iruka. Wanted to make you feel good since the first time we—” He hums deep in his throat, mouth sealed against Iruka’s hole and tongue flicking. “First. Time we fell into bed together. And now.” Lick, press, lick, press, lick, press; his thumb slides in easily to the first knuckle and it’s warm and wet and Iruka.

“Kakashi I’m. I’m. Oh, keep going. Please. Keep talking.”

“Now you’re letting me. Fuck.” His tongue rejoins his thumb. He pants against Iruka’s hole, watching it clench and pucker and—“Gods, Iruka, I get to touch you; you have no idea how lucky I am.”

“I—more. Little more. Please. Just. Oh-oh-ohh.”

Kakashi blows cool air over Iruka’s ass, and then seals his mouth and tongues Iruka relentlessly. The noises coming from the pillows are unholy and filthy and just drives Kakashi to tongue him harder.

“Kakashi!!!”

He feels Iruka tighten, a vice on his tongue, and he holds Iruka still though his hips want so clearly to thrust and grind down into the sheets. He hears soft splashes outside of his headspace, and Iruka’s cries of Ohh and K’shi and fuck yes. Kakashi keeps flicking his tongue and mouthing at Iruka’s hole until he hears a deep, blissful sigh, and then he pulls back and rests his forehead on the swell of Iruka’s ass.

“You.”

“Uh-huh.”

“I made you—?”

“Yes.”

“Please,” he says, instantly grabbing his long-neglected cock and pumping fast and hard. “Please, I. I wanna come on you. I did good, right? Please. Let me. Oh gods. Iruka. Want to—fuck. Please-please-please—”

“Yeah?” Iruka asks, and he drawls, almost sleepily, but he’s looking back over his shoulder and smiling and he arches his back ever so slightly. “You wanna come on my ass, My Love?”

“Please.”

“Get me even wetter? I’ll need another shower after you’re done covering my ass with your come.”

“Iruka, please!”

“I love you, my Kakashi.”

He can’t. He can’t hold back anymore. With one trembling hand he spreads Iruka’s cheeks again and with the other he jerks himself furiously. A split-second decision has him opening his sharingan to watch as he comes in harsh spurts right on Iruka’s pretty pink hole.

Best ass in Konoha? Painted with his come? He could die a happy man just from this image. Even if Iruka won’t sit on his face. And with the sharingan, the image will always be with him.

He collapses next to Iruka, closes both eyes, and pulls his lover to his chest. They’ll need to get cleaned up. They’ll need to change the sheets.

Right now, Iruka tucks himself against Kakashi, their foreheads together; Iruka looks like he desperately wants to kiss him, but remembers where his mouth had been at the last second. He kisses Kakashi’s cheek and jaw instead. They both laugh.

“I love you,” Kakashi says.

Iruka’s laugh turns into a giggle. “And my ass?”

“I would love you even if you didn’t have such a fantastic ass,” Kakashi hums. “Thankfully, however, that is not our reality.”

“That was…”

“Yeah?”

Iruka sighs happily. “Wow.”

Kakashi kisses his forehead. “Blissed you out, huh?”

“Shhh,” Iruka clutches him closer. “Afterglow.”

Kakashi holds him tighter and catches his breath.

[universallywriting]

Hey, I started reading Connie’s little universe when you posted about having written wedding Connverse, and then I got to your Spinel chapter and it fascinated me. I’d already read you say you’re not crazy about Spinel, but once again you channel Diogenes (I’m not that anon but they were spot on, holy shit) and make a really inspired take on her. Care to talk a bit about why you see her so childlike? She may be innately playful, silly, and immature, but most see her as an “adult” or “teen”. 1/2

Brace yourself for a long post! (1600 words)

I’ll start off with saying that I think Spinel is a really well written character. I really like her place in the movie, I love her design, and Sarah Stiles is phenomenal. She’s not a character who is relatable to me. Personally, the character I’ve always felt the most similar to is Steven, with Connie as a close second. Understandably, I was just as exhausted towards Spinel as Steven was throughout the movie, lol.

Why I Don’t See Spinel as a Teenager Forgive me, I’m not actively involved in Spinel discourse here, so I’m a bit blind towards people’s arguments as to why they think of Spinel as a teenager or an adult. I may be missing things or have gaps, but I would like to start with the fact that I in no way intend to argue that other interpretations of Spinel are invalid, or that I’m right.

I think my biggest argument hinges on one huge point, and it’s something I rarely see talked about outside of jokes. It’s Word of God and implied in the show that only Pearls can be bound to follow orders. This means that when Spinel was ordered to stay in the garden, she chooses to stay. I don’t say that to mitigate Pink’s cruelty, nor to call Spinel stupid or to blame her for what happened. I say it only because I think it’s a crucial part of her character. Without this piece, I feel like you ignore so much of what makes Spinel, well… Spinel.

Spinel is dependent on other people to a ridiculous degree. She defines herself by other people. Without them, she is nothing. She is unquestioningly obedient in the hopes of her affections being returned, no matter how absurd it becomes to follow those orders. At any point, Spinel could have stepped onto that teleport pad and tried to find somewhere in the universe to call home. This is not what she does. She waits. At a certain point, she must know that Pink is not coming back, but she waits. She hopes. This, to me, is not characteristic of teenagers. It’s characteristic of children.

Continuing here: She has control over her emotions. She has no barriers to them. Her default state is high energy, obsessed with joy and merriment and entertainment. When Spinel is reset, the trauma that has set in makes her emotions volatile, easily triggered and aggressive over the idea that she might not be the center of attention. While these are traits teenagers might have, I don’t think of them as teenager traits. I think of these as childish traits. When teenagers are this clingy, this cutesy, this bubbly, this emotionally unstable, I do not think “Ah, I typical teen”. I think “You need to grow up. You should be learning to be better than this.”

This does get a bit more complicated if you factor in trauma or other mental health issues, but despite people being very insistent about this idea, Spinel is in no way meant to reflect someone who is neuroatypical. You may read her as such, but to say that was authorial intent or to state that she objectively is a representation of BPD, or severe autism, just isn’t true. But, again, please feel free to headcanon her that way and have interesting discussions.

Pre-Abandonment Spinel is a Baby Pre-Abandonment Spinel appears to be a child in literally every way to me, and I really don’t see how you can see her as anything else. We see Spinel and Pink interacting in the garden during the song montage. Spinel plays hide and seek and juggles, she bounces around and clings to Pink. Pink’s behavior goes from amused to rapidly exhausted of her antics. The faces Pink makes, the way she interacts with Spinel, is very much an adult attempting to humor a child. And, in a way, this is one of the things Spinel intentionally represents. Spinel is a children’s show watching her audience move on. Quote from Rebecca: “[Spinel] is also about that pain of making cartoons, understanding that your audience might move on and leave you behind, and how ridiculous that can make you feel.”

I mean, as cruel as it is, people seem to miss exactly how Pink’s abandonment works here. She’s playing the quiet game with Spinel! “Let’s see who can be quiet the longest!” It’s an attempt from an adult or an older teenager to get a child to behave, incentivizing them through a game. This is absolutely something you do to a child, and Spinel responds in a childlike way by playing the game. I cannot see Spinel as anything other than a child pre-abandonment.

I also think it’s important to note that Spinel is given as a child’s toy, created to be a best friend in the same way you give a toddler a plastic steering wheel. This is an act of pure condescension of the other Diamonds towards Pink, a way to say “You do not want responsibility or respect or independence. You’re simply bored. You tricycle is just as good as car keys.” Spinel is intended to be a way to shut Pink up about her own colony. A child’s toy for a child who outgrows her nearly instantly.

Reset Spinel is a Baby Reset Spinel’s ideas of play are simple and childish. She wants to play tag and make silly faces and wrap Steven up in big hugs. Spinel talks to Steven the way Dora the Explorer talks to her audience. “Maybe, if we put the pieces together, we can solve this puzzle!” She’s silly, and wacky. She’s an outdated children’s cartoon, which makes her feel like a child.

I would argue this is the reason why Steven is so frustrated with Spinel and why Spinel is a villain for timeskip Steven specifically. Little baby feral gremlin S1 Steven would adore Spinel. What child wouldn’t like her? A best friend who plays silly games with whacky smiles who wants to put all her attention on you? Reset Spinel is a dream come true for a little kid.

Big Boy Neck Steven, however, becomes her babysitter throughout. Spinel is playing, joking, dancing around. I’ve seen some people argue that it wasn’t ever a game for Spinel, and I honestly don’t see it. Spinel before she was abandoned, and reset Spinel, are absolutely playing around nonstop. That’s what they’re made for. Just like Pearl exists to serve, and Ruby exists to guard, Spinel exists to play. Steven has to tend to her, has to be amused by her, lest he upset her. Steven is a teenager babysitting a child.

Eyeliner Spinel is a Child’s Tantrum So, here’s where I feel the biggest divergence will come from different people. I feel like people think of Spinel as an adult, or a teenager, because Spinel possesses power and speaks as an adult. She’s voiced by an adult who makes no effort to sound younger. But even here, even at what feels like her most adult moments, I truly cannot think of her as mature in the slightest.

When Spinel gets her memories back, she still expects Steven to be her emotional labor. She can’t control her emotions. She can’t control her actions. Steven must always be on guard to never upset her. This is, again, something I see as extremely childish - and that’s being charitable. If it’s not childish, this is abusive. This is toxic. A child can be excused from not being able to understand and lashing out at the people around them, because they are young and need to learn to behave better. As an adult, this is simply unacceptable.

It is not mature or adult to demand that others be perpetually on guard at risk of offending you. It is not normal for a teenager to try to physically harm others because they are feeling upset. It is not the behavior of anything but a child to demand that people become your friend, that they devote their time and energy to taking care of your emotional needs, that you become the center of their world.

Spinel may have power, and a cute accent, and the vocabulary and accent of a character out of Popeye, but there is not a single action she takes that I can read as anything other than childish, assuming that this is a character who is not dealing with a mental health disorder.

Spinel needs to be tended to. She needs to be coddled. She needs affirmation and help to become a better person. Help is not bending over backwards to her every desire. Help is not giving in to her tantrums. Help is not allowing her to cling to people like a useless sack of potatoes. Help is slowly guiding her away from her dependencies, to be more self-reliant and to care for herself so she does not demand all the emotional energy and attention of those around her.

I think she’s a child who needs to grow up. The chapter of CLU has Connie gently guiding Spinel’s attention away from the people she clings to, and she does so through the same childish games Spinel loves more than anything else in the world. That’s why I wrote it that way, and that’s how I see Spinel as she appears in the movie.

However, I love everyone’s different interpretations of her! So, you know, write and draw what you love! Multiple interpretations can and should exist!

[afinepricklypear]

**Update: The works mentioned in this post have since been taken down. The “message” was removed by AO3 because it was a violation of their TOS and it seems the author chose to remove their “opinions” piece.**

Despite the ongoing world crisis, I hope everyone is doing great as the year comes to a close and prepping for a safe holiday season.

I don’t really post here a lot, but I just wanted to talk about a problem that exists in every fandom and has recently come up for me in the BSD fandom. This problem is typically referred to as: toxic behavior, however, I sort of hate that term because it’s an umbrella term that encapsulates a wide array of behaviors that is purposefully vague so as to imply everything can be toxic, which means the definition changes depending upon the person, and ends up getting thrown around to describe any behavior that a person dislikes. That said, most people can agree that the term ‘toxic behavior’ includes “shipper wars” and harassing people because of their “ship”.

Yesterday, a user on AO3 going by the penname E_C_arts posted a message titled “deer Soukoku fans” and giving it the not-innocuous summary “please we’re begging you, please stop”. Clicking through leads to a rather prime example of this particular flavor of toxic fandom behavior, guised as an attempt to defend those who were allegedly victims of this self-same behavior, also a lovely example of emotional manipulation.

Although what’s currently posted (and what I managed to screen shot below) may not seem terrible on first glance, if not a little cringey, and can be easy to agree with (don’t bully people that write for a ship you dislike), this was not their original message and has been edited since being posted and, and only after receiving the number of comments it did and which they’re now noting as “proving their point” – a point which they erased, thus manipulating perceptions. I wish I had gotten a screenshot of the original, but if you scroll through the comments, you can find some people that quoted it.

This person most definitely did open their “message” to Soukoku fans by literally telling them to “stop writing” for it. They claimed there was some unspecified AU (or maybe multiple unspecified AUs) that had been overwritten for, that it was overused, and not original. They went on to talk about how the abundance of soukoku content was turning off new fans to the series (don’t even know how that logics…) and bullying people from creating content for other ships, basing these irrational sentiments off some false claim that removing everything with the soukoku ship from the fandom would only leave behind a sad, inacccurate (and oddly specific) 305 posts.

Evidence of their now deleted perspective can be further seen in another post they made to AO3 a couple days before this ugly rant. Titled simply “My unpopular BSD opinions”, they didn’t manage to garner much attention and went mostly ignored because, well, it’s your opinions about the show and that’s whatever. Of course, when you click into it, the very first “opinion” shared, is that they hate Dazai x Chuuya. Okay, that’s an opinion everyone is entitled to, and that’s fine. You don’t like the popular ship, that’s…not exactly an unpopular opinion, there’s quite a number of people that don’t ship soukoku. No problem. Until, they go on to elaborate.

Despite the title of this piece being ‘their opinions’, they state as ‘fact’ that its confirmed that this is “not a thing”, so ‘please stop shipping them it doesn’t work, it’s way too overused for it to be “funny” anymore’ (I’m a little confused about this wording, because Shipping is Serious Business™, so…not sure there are too many soukoku shippers doing it because they think it’s hilarious or whatnot, in fact, most soukoku fics are tagged ‘angst’, which we all know, angst is very ‘haha, lol’…but whatevs). They then include the same sentiment they expanded on in their Dear John to soukoku fans and subsequently deleted: “Please stop, there are too many au’s with almost the exact same plot Chuuya and Dazai being together, its really difficult to find any non-Dazai x Chuuya au’s”.

On the surface, once again, there are some “truths” to this sentiment. DaiChuu is a popular ship and there is a disproportionate amount of soukoku ship fics on the fandom comparative to other ships (soukoku comes in at a whopping 10,000+ currently, with the next popular ship Aku/Atsushi sitting at a decidedly less 2500+). It’s really not that difficult to find non-DazaixChuuya fics, if you know how to use filters on AO3, but there are going to be less to read from when you filter it down, and depending on your ship, you may find yourself in a fic desert, and I can certainly understand why someone young and lacking in rational thought processes might want to blame the popular ship for this predicament.

The problem with this logic, and it permeates every fandom, not just BSD, is that the shippers sharing and loving their ship are not to blame for your lack of ship content. You just don’t have a popular ship. If all the people who love soukoku stopped creating content for it, as this person is ‘begging’ them to do, that’s not going to increase the amount of content for your ships, because the reason that content isn’t being created is because there aren’t enough shippers for it. So, the only way this person’s logic works, is if what this person is actually saying, isn’t that they want these people to stop creating content for the BSD fandom, they just want them to jump ship, stop creating content for soukoku and start creating content for their ships.

Any creator/fan is going to have a visceral reaction to that: who the fuck are you to tell me what to create? And for free, no less!

This moves us more towards a clearer definition of what is toxic fandom behavior. In short, its telling anyone how they should interact with or interpret their favorite content. I mean, even Word of God does not have this power. That’s because every single fan in a fandom is an individual human being. They are possessed of their own autonomy, and as a creator I know, that once you put something out into the world and give it over to others, you have little control over how people consume and feel about your work. You can tell them your intention, but that’s not going to sway them to interpret it that way, and that’s…just the way it works.

Now, the elephant in the room needs to be addressed. It’s easy for me to be ‘offended’ by this person’s post and not see their complaints because I am a soukoku fan. I’m also the target of this person’s rant, and one of those people this person is attempting to emotionally manipulate into writing for other ships in the fandom for which I have no preference. But I am capable of seeing the other side of this argument.

First, because I do have other fandoms in which I am part, and for which I have a rare-pair ship. For example, I am a Gundam Wing fan and a 2x5 (Duo/WuFei) shipper. I’ve posted two 2x5 fics on fanfiction.net. While 2x5 is not the rarest of rarepairs in the Gundam Wing fandom, it is significantly eclipsed (as are almost *all* ships in the fandom) by the 1x2 (Heero/Duo) ship. Do I hate 1x2 shippers for my lack of 2x5 content? No. I just appreciate what I’ve got all the more, and I’ll create content for it when I feel compelled, and I sure the fuck won’t implore 1x2 shippers to stop writing for their fave and write more for mine because I want more 2x5 – that’s sheer entitlement, right there, pure and simple. I also ship 3xD (Trowa/Dorothy) in Gundam Wing, which *is* the rarest of rarepairs – I think there’s only, like, two stories in existence that features this pair on the entirety of the internet. I’m also a RavenxMurphy (Murven) shipper in The 100 fandom and I do not hate Bellarke fans because…those people are scary and have canceled the show’s creator for not delivering on Bellarke, and in BSD, I ship Atsushi/Lucy (yes, I said it, they’re cute af and I hope Asagiri delivers on that ship). I also low-key ship Yosano/Ranpo (sorry, Ranpo/Poe shippers, I understand the appeal, I just think him and Yosano is sooo cute, please don’t kill me…), and I also ship Yosano with Kunikida – all of which are some of the rarest in the BSD fandom.

Second, because I have seen and called out shipping harassment in the BSD fandom, so I am well aware that this kind of thing exists – as it exists literally everywhere and in every flavor. Against soukoku shippers from antis and by soukoku shippers against shippers putting Dazai or Chuuya with any other characters and by soukoku shippers against other soukoku shippers that are, uh, “doing it wrong”. None of these is appropriate. You’re not fighting fire with fire if you’re an anti-attacking the popular ship, you’re just creating a bigger fire and burning the entire fandom down. You’re not defending your ship if you are a soukoku fan attacking non-soukoku fans, you’re just punching down by attacking a less popular ship. And top/bottom arguments aren’t just toxic, they’re also deeply entrenched in fetishization of same sex pairings through a forced heteronormative lens and is, kind of, sort of, actually homophobic in its basis (yes, I said it. It’s ignorant and homophobic and trying to argue with ‘personality/physical traits’ as evidence of who serves what position in the bedroom can be emotionally and mentally damaging to members of the LGBTQ community. Claiming that Chuuya should be bottom because he’s shorter/smaller, or that Dazai has ‘bottom energy’ because he’s more flamboyant and ‘feminine’ is straight up discrimination – a shorter guy can definitely be top, and a manly man can be bottom, it’s not a behavior based on perceived gendered traits, it is just a fucking preferred sexual position, and no, you are not ‘fixing it’ by purposely using positions for these characters that eschews the stereotypes either. Trying to justify positioning by personality/physical traits at all, in any way, shape, or form is just not okay – if it’s your preference, it’s your preference, no justification needed, just recognize that it is *your* preference and arguing what’s ‘right/wrong’ positioning is just plain wrong).

But this brings us to a different issue: bad actors and blaming a whole community for a ‘few rotten apples’. I could easily lump this one person in with everyone that does not ship soukoku and deem them all toxic, aggressive, entitled, bullies attempting to harass soukoku shippers off the platform. Or I could see them for what they are, individuals with individual motivations and drives and morals that also happen to share the same shipping preferences. Is it true to say that there are no soukoku fans that engage in the behaviors described by E_C_arts? No, there are definitely those that do, as there are antis that engage in that same behavior against soukoku fans. But this person also asserts that soukoku fans turning ‘every BSD post about soukoku’ is also a toxic behavior. To which I refer you back to one. This is how they engage with and interpret the work. Don’t yuck on someone else’s yum. People want to gush about how cute they thought soukoku were in an official art, or that they felt there was some hidden (or not so hidden) interaction between them that validates their ship, or their inspired to create soukoku content based on it, so what (for the record, it irks me too when people go ‘see it’s canon and Bones totally ships it’, because it’s unlikely, given BSDs genre, that any romantic relationship will be confirmed, soukoku notwithstanding). It is not, in fact, toxic to gush over it. Let them have their fun with it, let them enjoy their ship. Now, if you go and make a comment about liking the art for other reasons and they reply to you about “…but also soukoku”, then still, that’s not toxic, that’s just them enjoying the content the way that they enjoy it, so let them enjoy it, and you opened yourself to engagement without any qualifiers for the type of engagement you were soliciting, you can’t then backtrack and go ‘but I’m not a soukoku shipper, they should’ve been able to read my mind and known that, it’s totally toxic of them to share their personal reasons for loving the show in response to my sharing my love for the show’. But if you comment about another ship, and they reply to you “…ew, gross! It’s 100% soukoku” then yes, that’s toxic. A lot of people fail to make this distinction, that they are, maybe, merely being triggered and not actually harassed, by feeling like their ship isn’t being validated because they see another ship all over the place and everyone they engage with ships it.

It’s also toxic, to take an experience with one person and hold every soukoku shipper in existence responsible for that one person’s inappropriate behavior. The truth is, that bad actors amongst soukoku fans are not unique, not to the ship and not to the fandom and not even to fandom culture in general. Every group in existence everywhere has bad actors in it that, while the group disavows their behavior, they continue to be held accountable for those individuals and judged by them. For current events, look at how the BLM movement has been blamed for bad actors (many of whom were not actually BLM activists) that took advantage of the protests and started riots and chaos. A small percentage of people were involved in these behaviors, but the entire movement, despite speaking out against rioting, continues to take the blame for it. For me, that’s the root of toxicity. We need to start holding individuals accountable and stop blaming people who have no control over those individuals, because they share a few similar beliefs or interests. That’s throwing the baby out with the bathwater. But the shippers as a whole are not to blame for the actions of a few, and the reason that it feels that there are so many more soukoku fans that do this is because of volume, there are so many more soukoku fans. It’s basic math. If two percent of fans are these toxic kinds of shippers, then there’s going to be so many more of them in a larger population than a smaller one.

I try to call out toxic behavior, no matter if it’s my ship being lambasted or one of my fellow shippers doing the lambasting, whenever I see it, but the trouble is, I don’t typically go into fan content that isn’t for my ship and, thus, I don’t see it. The same goes for the vast majority of soukoku fans out there. We’re here for soukoku content, we’re seeking out soukoku content, and avoiding what isn’t soukoku content. But here is my offer to all of those who are outside of my ship. I like to argue. If someone is harassing you for having a non-soukoku ship, call me, let me know, I will argue with them for you. I will explain to them in no uncertain terms, and in many unpleasant ways, that they do not represent the soukoku shipping community and they are an embarrassment to us. Content for any and all ships is welcomed and encouraged within the fandom. Write, draw, contribute, be a part of the fandom and express yourself, please. If you are a soukoku shipper (or even if you’re not), and someone is harassing you about your top/bottom preference, call me, let me know, I will argue with them for you. I will explain to them why their justifications for which character should be top or bottom in a same sex pairing is grossly misrepresentative and exploitative of the LGBTQ community and rather disgusting. Do not assume that because we seem to remain silent on these types of harassment that it’s because we are in agreement with them, it is only because we haven’t seen them – why would we, we’re not going in those spaces that weren’t created for us. Ask the community for help, don’t attack the rest of us for the poor actions of a few that we were not even aware of. Let us help you in policing them, rather than assuming we don’t care. We are just too busy staying in our lanes, but if you need us, we are here. Majority of us want a clean, friendly, welcoming community for creators of all types as much as you do.

All of this aside, there are spaces and places for these debates and AO3 is not it. Posting this kind of message is actually a violation of AO3 TOS, constituting as harassment, which is defined on the AO3 TOS as “…any behavior that produces a generally hostile environment for its target…”( https://archiveofourown.org/tos#IV.G.). This general behavior also falls into the realm of another kind of toxic fandom behavior: hijacking a platform/tag for your own purposes that is a direct contradiction to its express usage (otherwise, known as trolling). AO3 is for posting fan-made content that contributes to a deeper understanding and expansion upon the original work. Using AO3 to attack people who are using AO3 for exactly what it is designed to be used for is an abuse of the platform. It’s not okay and invites similar content that will ultimately interfere with the original purpose of the platform. AO3 is for fan content, not for your own personal rants about other people in the community, please keep it that way

I do also want to note, that this person choosing to edit their post after receiving the justified ire from fans (notably soukoku and non-soukoku fans alike upset by the audacity of this person, who, as far as can be told, has never themselves contributed fanfiction to the community, to tell people what they can and cannot write) for their original comments, is a form of manipulative abuse called ‘gaslighting’. They are now claiming to be a victim that “never said to stop writing”, despite that having been the literal words they used in the opening of their original post. They are now pointing at these comments as “proof” of their point that soukoku fans are aggressive bullies that attack without cause when there was definitely cause from the original comments. This person clearly has bigger issues than just lacking shipper content for their personal preferences on the BSD fandom.

To all of those who are afraid to share content for your ship because you think you’ll be harassed, as evidenced by this person’s claims, that is simply not true. While there might be one or two people that say something, we all get them no matter if you have a popular ship or a rarepair ship, haters are gonna hate – I’ve gotten my share of hateful comments towards my ships too, but there are many more people that share your ship and are interested in your content, in fact, some of them are starved for it. While having a rarepair might mean you’ll garner less interactions with your content, you have a better opportunity to form a deeper bond with the people that do interact, and they may be more appreciative, because what you’re delivering to them is so much harder to come by. The existence of one ship does not affect your ship’s popularity, and if it simply went away, that doesn’t mean that your ship would receive more attention – in fact, it might mean the show itself would receive less attention.

Create and let others create and use platforms for their appropriate purposes, and most importantly, when it comes to addressing toxic behavior in a fandom, look to yourself first. Are you placing the blame where it belongs? Are you addressing the root cause of the problem or swinging blindly and attacking innocent bystanders in the process? Will what you say actually help the problem? Or will it contribute to the issue, and maybe even create an issue that didn’t exist before?

[emerald-amidst-gold]

17, 21, and 24 for the OTP ask? 😁

Well, hello, friend! I shall answer for that is DUTY! >:D

17. What senses (sights, smells, feelings, etc). remind them of each other?

I did answer this one in another ask, but I can think of a few more to share! (I got so much for these two, don't worry~)

So, another thing that reminds Fane of Solas is any kind of painting, namely frescos. Surprise, surprise! But the reasoning is mainly because Fane used to dream of frescos painted in a temple, one he always finds himself traversing in his dreams in the earlier years of his life. The style was nostalgic, impeccable, as if the hand that had held the brush was fixated on getting every line, every detail, every color, and every proportion just right. The paintings were like little anecdotes, way points trying to guide him in a direction with paint and plaster, but the story was always left unfinished, and it isn't until all the memories flood back that Fane realizes who was the artist of his dreams. *winks*

Now, I'm not usually one for 'smell' references, but oddly enough, Solas is reminded of Fane through one. Namely, chamomile. This was something I thought of one day when I was fighting with a headache and I was just watching a Twitch stream, and I was like, "Chamomile is a natural stress reliever. Fane doesn't like tea, but there are bath oils and incenses infused with chamomile, right? He would definitely be given that by someone or maybe even takes initiative to get it himself." Thus, the headcanon was established! Fane smells like chamomile, and Solas can't help but smile when he smells it from another source, knowing that his dragon is trying to help himself in some way.

21. How have they changed each other for the better/for the worse?

So, there's a little bit of A and little bit of B for this question. There has indelibly been a positive influence on both Fane and Solas due to each other. Basically, it all stems from pre-Inquisition, aka Elvhenan/Arlathan.

Fane, as a dragon, was inherently tasked with observing elvenkind, watching the flow of which they progressed and if their machinations benefited the world in which they lived. Each dragon had this inherent task, albeit in different ways. Dragons that lived in arid regions were tasked with controlling the sandscape, preserving the ancient temples by covering them with said sand, making inaccessible areas accessible for wildlife, so on, so forth.

Fane, and the others of his specific kin, not only watched the Elvhen, they guided them, but only if it was deemed necessary. White dragons could not want for anything beyond what the world needed, and their powers of absorbing, reflecting, and understanding emotions was what made them highly sought after by the Evanuris. When the Evanuris began enslaving elves, they began enslaving dragons, too. And this is around the time Solas and Fane met; when Fane was the last of his white kin. Fane had gone into recluse, hiding; he turned his back on those who were suffering because he couldn't bear to see them be subjected to magic bending and breaking their minds, turning their eyes grey where they were otherwise a multitude of colors. Solas found him through a curious venture as we all know the dear wolf is prone to curiosity.

Their beginnings were rough. Fane tried multiple, multiple times to kill Solas. He saw him as no different than those who had thus far enslaved his kin. He held anger, rage, resentment, and pride, which warped his nature of calm observation and cool acceptance to preemptive prejudice and scornful indifference. Fane stopped caring; about everything. Solas reached out to him, wanted to help him, and for the sake of keeping things somewhat short, they grew close after constant revisits and...silence. Solas allowed Fane to watch him, learn about him, read his eyes, and in turn, Fane began to open up, rediscover his original nature, and learn about another side from a more personal view. Solas taught Fane that nothing can change or return to what they had been unless he tried, and he did, even though it ended poorly. And even though it takes him twenty-four years and a lot of hardship, Fane finally remembers that important lesson and he's forever grateful, even as they walk onto the same stage that burned before.

Now, Fane has helped Solas do something we all know the dear wolf is a bit hesitant to do, and that's show his emotions. I stated once upon a time that my interpretation of Solas a little more...personal. Basically, I'm exploring a side of Solas that we don't really get to see, and that's an emotional one. My stories encompass a lot of emotion, a lot of grey morality, so I try to do that while keeping Solas in character with how we know him. However, with this AU of mine, Solas is more in touch with his emotions when with Fane. Why? Because Fane did what he was tasked with from birth; he guided. Through silent looks and seemingly disgruntled huffs, Fane allowed Solas to open up, to feel safe when every corner held a knife.

He let him be him. Not the Dread Wolf. Not the Rebel God. Not anything more than what he was naturally, and that was a being who needed to let their emotions go as freely as the magic so intertwined with their nature. They were friends, companions, even though they were two completely different species, and for all intents and purposes, enemies. They loved each other, but couldn't say it. After Fane died, Solas locked up again, kept his emotions sealed away, but when Fane reappeared in his life, both unknowing of who the other was, it all came back so easily, so fluidly. And what you'll see in a lot of my stories of Solas and Fane's early acquaintanceship in Inquisition is that they flow, they let the other be weak even though they don't want to be weak.

As for how they change each other for the worse...well, that ties into a lot of what I have planned during Post-Trespasser arcs. My stories are 'fix-its', but again, grey morality. There's a happy ending, but not without opposition first and a lot of hard lessons. Solas and Fane will do shit that makes people go, "Why?!", but aren't we already saying that with what Solas canon-wise is doing? Why not add an Inquisitor into the mix and live the fantasy we weren't allowed to choose?

24. What is something they have each had to forgive the other for?

Okay, so Fane's isn't what you'd think it is. You all know me, I like to go, 'You thought not! AHA! >:D'. Most people who've read my stories might think, "Oh, Fane has to forgive Solas for erecting the Veil because it's driving his kin insane." That makes sense, but it's not what Fane has had to forgive Solas for. Fane has had to forgive Solas for doubting him.

What I mean by this is that Solas tries to steer Fane away from helping him (Look! It's canon after all! XD). And mainly it's because Solas sees Fane thriving in this new life, connecting with people, seeing the world from a different perspective, and so he starts to think that Fane wouldn't want to help him. Which is complete bullshit because Fane, even when Solas tries to gently steer him away, is like, "I'm here. I'm not going to abandon you again." But typical Solas is typical Solas and is weighed down with grief and his doubts, but eventually he relents after a dragon fight. I won't say when this will occur, but...yeah. It's a bad time, and it shows Solas that Fane wasn't thriving as well as he'd thought. It takes a bit, but Fane comes to understand why Solas was trying to guide him away, and it helps when you're a stubborn dragon in love with a stubborn wolf! :D

Now for Solas, I have a little excerpt from a short story (the one I've been sharing a lot in tag games!). It kind of gives a basis of what Fane can sometimes do when he's not thinking or if he doesn't talk to Solas.

***

“F..Fane..!”, Solas growled out, a surge of heat invading his head as he felt his dragon’s dormant fury within his soul. It was thrashing, knocking, pounding against the confines of their link, wishing to be set free through him and his actions.

“This is..ugh..important, dammit!”, Fane grunted out as Solas was finally starting to push back, as well as his own minor discomfort with the magic that was slowly building around them.

“Then..ngh..speak of it!”, Solas snapped, feeling something like a pinch against his mind before that sensation ricoheted outwards, a lesser burst of magic managing to separate their bodies, but not their tethered souls. “Hiding in your mind only inflicts more harm!”, he almost yelled, his mind clouding with unusual rage. He was never ruffled this easily, but this wasn’t him, was it?

No, this was Fane, or more accurately, Fane’s mind. And it was red hot with fury.

He watched with slightly haggard breathing as Fane slid back a few feet, a grimace on his face from the smell of ozone, but shook it off easily. Now fully golden eyes glared with steamy ferocity upon him, a broad chest heaving with Veil born ire and excitement at finally having a challenge. Solas straightened himself a bit, clearing his throat as the distance between their bodies allowed him to think a bit more clearly, but he could still feel the thread that connected them intensely.

“Ma’isenatha, please--”, Solas attempted to reach the unhinged being before him, even as he could feel his own mind beginning to cloud again as Fane stalked towards him. They needed to cease this dance before one of them got hurt or insanely ill!

“Quit…”, the fuming dragon began before whipping the staff in his hand around in a near perfect arc towards him. “..talking!”, he snarled furiously, deftly hitting the other end of the staff with his wrist to cut off its intended path for a shorter route.

Solas was a bit curious by the adept usage, but shuffled that thought away quickly to block the blow that was inevitably aimed for his jaw. Now wasn’t the time to ruminate! As much as he loathed to admit it, and encourage it, there was only one way out of this foolish scenario!

“Enough!”, a cry harboring necessary command releasing from his lips, making the link between them snap like a bowstring. “Ngh..!” The heady, harsh sensation had the air leaving his lungs before he swept one end of his staff upwards without volition, missing his mark by a hair. He blinked when the sensation eased off, grimacing as he stared at the staff poised just next to Fane’s face, precisely at the point where his scar was. How ironic, but he knew what was happening now with that.

The involuntary reaction had been too planned, too memory bound. It was like when they had viciously fought as Haven burned with fire and corruption, and he had had no choice but to wound the otherwise perfect face before him - a deep scar left on his left cheek from his staff blade. His arms had been wrapped, then strung up in invisible bonds that radiated desperate heat and furious rage, guiding them to repeat the action due to a desire for something unsaid.

In simple terms, he was being controlled by emotions alone - emotions that were not his own.

“Interesting.”, Solas said, but narrowed his eyes upon the fierce man. “Emotions are your strings.”, he pointed out, more realization dawning on him as to where all these minor outbursts, sudden movements, and disorienting sensations were coming from. Fane..

...was manipulating emotions, guiding them to the destination he desired.

Fane’s eyes narrowed, emerald reappearing to deepen with rage as tufts of his hair fluttered from the air behind his swipe. “I’m intervening.”, the draconic side of his love coming out in full bloom now.

“Why?” He issued it as more a command than a true question. He was mildly miffed by this usage of abilities, but he needed context to decipher why Fane had thought this was necessary. It was unusual and worrying for him to use them like this.

“It’s necessary.”, Fane said with a flat tone, but there was fire crackling beneath its supposed embers, as well as the deep emerald gaze bearing down upon him before he twisted his staff upwards to once again aim under his chin. Solas dodged the movement by an inch, feeling the amount of force behind it with air alone.

His dragon was steadily losing his control, and it wouldn’t be long until he was truly unhinged.

“Fane!”, Solas met the glare with one that felt just as furious as he called out, but finally began to retaliate, no longer wishing to play on the defensive and draw this out longer. “Very well..”, he said lowly, gripping the staff tightly as he pressed in harder, matching Fane’s footwork step for step as their blows connected with near splintering cracks. “...if you are so..”, a harsh crack of their staves reverberating through the air. “...intent on not speaking of what troubles you, then I will make it so you have no choice but to!”

A long, muscled leg nearly knocked into one of his knees as it swept under him, its pace incredibly fast for something intended to withstand punishment. It was like a dragon’s tail as it swept aside massive boulders, and uprooted century old trees.

Fane let out a gasping laugh. “You’re still..ngh..t..talking?!”, he roared, snowy brows furrowed in growing pain as sweat began to form along a lightly flushed temple, hand trembling where it nearly snapped his staff in half.

“I am doing what you refuse to do!” A jab with his staff nearly connected with a muscled arm, but it went through the gap between itself and the toned body it was attached to. “Gh..!”, he winced as he felt a sharp yank on his mind, as well as the staff in his hands as Fane grabbed a hold of it to pull him forward harshly.

The world halted suddenly, its furious, heated pace slightly cooled as their gazes connected, all sound flushing out to where the only sound was their combined, harsh breathing. Emerald and gold swam, ebbed around each other like a phylactery did with its magical blood as the face that bore them was lax in stunned silence, sweat trickling down flush cheeks before it would disappear along a strong neck. Solas felt his face was no better, feeling how droplets of sweat rolled down the sides of his face and how his mouth was slightly agape as he fought for a shred of breath.

What was...going on? This feeling, like their desires were coalescing, taking shape before them like spirits shaped the Fade around them...it was intoxicating, comforting, and serene amid the furious battle they had been engaged in moments before. Their link was still there, but it was soft, velvet against his mind as the gentle essence wrapped around it in an embrace.

It was no longer painted...red.

“Hnn..”, Solas let out a quiet sigh, breath hitching after as the blanket around him became warmer, silken. When had it shifted? He hadn’t been aware because of rage painting the world before him in crimson..

“Too...much..”, he heard Fane whisper out between pants, but it was more to himself than to Solas. “...You shouldn’t feel that like I do.. Shit..”

Solas blinked a bit to reorient himself, the softness of his mind making it hard to think before he saw Fane’s face near inches from his, the hand that had grabbed his staff now making itself known upon the back of his neck, steadying him. When had that gotten there?

“What..”, Solas started, closing his eyes for a moment as the world spun for a second before reopening to try again. “What..was that?”

“My mind.”, Fane muttered, eyes flitting across his face worriedly. “I didn’t think..”, he trailed off with a light growl as brilliant eyes turned downcast. “I fucked up… I’m sorry...”

***

So, yeah. It doesn't take Solas long to forgive Fane, but when he first demonstrates just how dangerous his abilities can be and actively uses them to manipulate our wolf gets a little miffed. Solas wants Fane to use his voice more, and these are moments in which Fane doesn't and taps into that warped perception of himself; the one that got him killed.

[rushingheadlong]

God (Dream Is Over) Meta Post

Okay, I’ve been saying for literally months now that I was going to make a meta post about Brian’s cover of the John Lennon song “God” (though Brian’s version is usually called “Dream Is Over”) and I finally sat down and did it.

If you’re new to my ramblings, this is Very Long and there’s no tldr, and I’m only a little bit sorry for that. I also didn’t bother tracking down specific citations or quotes for things Brian has said about what the early 90s were like for him because I think most of that is common knowledge at this point anyway.

There’s a TW on this for discussions of Brian’s mental health issues in the early 90s and Freddie’s death. That should be obvious if you’ve heard the song, but if you haven’t listened to it before consider this your warning that there are sad feels ahead.

One final note before we dive in: I’m going to talk a lot in here about the “end of Queen” and I want to be clear that I don’t think the band in any way “died” or ended with Freddie. However in the years immediately following Freddie’s death Brian very much felt that the band was over and this is a sentiment that he, Roger, and John all maintained at least up until the mid-2000s and the start of the collaboration with Paul Rodgers.

So there’s a lot of mentions of “the end of Queen” coming up ahead, and please know that this is only a reflection on Brian’s feelings in the early 90s and not his feelings today (which are clearly different, and it’s absolutely his right to change his mind on this) and certainly not my own opinion on the matter.

Background Information

The original song “God” was written by John Lennon and was released on his first post-Beatles solo album. There’s a wikipedia article on the song <here> and you can listen to it <here> but the short summary of it is that it’s rejection of God and various religions/belief systems, ending with Lennon saying that he only believes in himself and Yoko Ono and distancing himself from who he was with the Beatles.

Brian’s version of the song is less of a cover and more of a total rewrite, if we’re being honest here. There’s two videos of him performing the song: the first is from a New Haven show in October 1993 and the second is from a Milwaukee show also in October 1993. (If the Milwaukee link doesn’t take you to the correct spot in the video, the song appears around 1:33:22 into it.)

AFAIK these are the only two performances of these songs currently out there, unless/until more of the old bootlegs are re-uploaded. The song was exclusively played on Brian’s Back to the Light tour at the beginning of his encore. However due to the set-up of the tour he didn’t always play an encore, so the song doesn’t appear to have been performed very often. Additionally, while Brian played the song at his Live at the Brixton Academy concert it was cut from the album and video release due to copyright issues so there’s no official recording of it.

Brian’s Lyrics and Music

The dream is over, what can I say  The dream is over, yesterday  We were the fab ones, but now it is gone  I was the gentle one, but now I must be strong  And so dear friends we'll just have to carry on  The dream is over 

The dream is over, no matter what they say  The dream is over, it has to be this way  We played in springtime, but now I play in fall  We made the bigtime, but now we are small  And our dear friend let's just hope he still has it all The dream is over 

I don't believe in magic  I don't believe in pain*  I don't believe in heroes  I don't believe in fame  I don't believe the newsprint  I don't believe we're free  I don't believe in pressure  ‘cause I don't believe we're right  I don't believe in torture   I don't believe in fight  I don't believe in color  I don't believe in white**  I don't believe in history  I don't believe in being Queen any more  I just believe in me  Just you guys and me And these guys and me*** And that's reality 

The dream is over Dream on

Some quick notes on the lyrics:

*I’ve seen this line written to end with either “pain” or “games” and to be honest, I’m not entirely sure which one it is. I personally don’t hear the “s” at the end of “games” and lean towards it being “pain”, which is how I’ve interpreted it for this post, but I’ll openly admit that I could be wrong on this point.

**Similarly, I’ve seen this line written to end with “whites” in the plural but again I don’t hear Brian singing an “s” at the end of the word and I’m pretty sure it’s in the singular.

**Occasionally this line and the one before are reversed in written transcriptions of the lyrics, and in the New Haven video it’s hard to hear the “and these guys” line at all. It’s much clearer in the Milwaukee video and you can see him motion to the band better, so the correct order of the lyrics would be “you guys” [the audience] first and then “these guys” [his band] second. 

If you listen to Lennon’s original song, the only lyrics that are really the same are, The dream is over, what can I say / The dream is over, yesterday as well as And so dear friends we'll just have to carry on / The dream is over although Brian changes Lennon’s “you just have to carry on” to “we’ll just have to carry on” - more on this later.

Brian also completely rearranges the song. He scraps Lennon’s opening section entirely, turns the final section into his first verse and extends it into two verses instead of just one, changes the song from being largely a piano piece into being guitar-driven and, in typical Brian May fashion, makes it go a bit heavier towards the middle. You can read the lyrics to Lennon’s song <here> to get a clearer idea of the changes that Brian made in his version.

Background Meta

The first thing to point out is that it makes a lot of sense for Brian to look to John Lennon as a source for this song. Besides the fact that he’s always said that Lennon is a huge musical inspiration for him, the parallels between when the original song was written and the state of Brian’s music career in the early 90s are pretty obvious. Although the circumstances of why Brian was launching his solo career are obviously different than what happened with the Beatles and Lennon, he was still striking out on his own and separating himself from the group that had defined his music up until that point.

It also makes a lot of sense for Brian to use someone else’s music to express his emotions during this time, even if he ultimately rewrote Lennon’s lyrics almost entirely. Brian has said that he always wrote his Queen music knowing that Freddie, specifically, would be singing it, and up until this point he has always been writing music with other people - neither of which were things that were possible with Brian’s new solo career. There’s also some evidence that Brian may have struggled to come up with enough original music on his own to fill his first solo album, since he rounded out the album with a cover song (Rollin’ Over) and added lyrics to two pieces of music written by Cozy Powell (Resurrection and Nothin’ But Blue).

And there's the added fact that Brian was dealing with mental health issues during the late 80s/early 90s, including depression that was so severe that he basically couldn’t function for days at a time. Brian has talked about being so depressed that he couldn’t get out of bed, that he became incredibly suicidal, and, relevant to this discussion, that he lost all ability to write new music for long stretches of time. Given that, it makes a lot of sense that Brian would turn to someone else’s music to help him express the feelings that he wanted to get out.

Finally, there’s the question of why did Brian felt the need to perform this song at all, and I think there’s two reasons for that.

The first is the obvious explanation that it was performed simply to give Brian an outlet for his emotions. Brian has said that his Back to the Light tour functioned as a sort of therapy for him, and even going back to the very beginning of Queen Brian has used his music as a way to express himself and his feelings (think about songs like “Keep Yourself Alive” or “Now I’m Here” as examples). His version of “God (Dream Is Over)” is very much keeping in line with this tendency to use music as a form of therapy.

The second reason is that this song gives Brian a way to distance himself from Queen, which was important to him as he said on multiple points immediately following Freddie’s death that he felt that Queen was over. In later years, he has acknowledged that he really just wasn’t emotionally prepared to deal with Queen matters after Freddie died and that he needed to distance himself from the band while he was grieving.

However, despite this, Brian didn’t have enough solo material to fill out an entire concert and since he was best known as being the “lead guitarist of Queen” it only made sense to fill out his shows with Queen songs. (I have an entire meta post about this subject <here>.) Performing this song was a way to acknowledge his history with and what had happened to Queen after a concert of playing their songs, while also reinforcing that in his mind the band was over and he was moving on from that.

Lyric Analysis - Opening Verses

So, let’s get into actually looking at these lyrics now and first off, we have to point out that while Lennon’s song was generally about a rejection of organized belief systems with a small footnote about him leaving the Beatles at the end, Brian’s song doesn’t mention religion at all and is instead almost entirely about the end of Queen. Brian absolutely poured his heart out into every single word of this song, and it’s not subtle at all.

The opening verses are very clearly and pretty explicitly about Freddie’s death and the resulting end of Queen. Apart from the obvious “the dream is over” being a reference to Queen being over, this also gets reinforced with lines such as We were the fab ones, but now it is gone and We made the bigtime, but now we are small.

It’s worth pointing out, though, that unlike in Lennon’s original song where he frames the ending of the Beatles through the changes in himself, Brian frames the ending of Queen around outside forces (i.e. Freddie’s death) and very clearly states that he feels that the band ending is unavoidable despite anyone’s feelings on the matter. (The dream is over, no matter what they say / The dream is over, it has to be this way)

Also unlike in Lennon’s song, Brian isn’t rejecting Queen even if he’s trying to distance himself from them. The band is over, yes, but Brian’s lyrics are rife with we statements - We were the fab ones and We hit the bigtime. Even when he acknowledges that he’s moved on, he’s still remembering the band as a unit and including himself in that history - We played in springtime, but now I play in fall. 

And, as I mentioned before, there’s the very stark change from Lennon’s You just have to carry on into Brian’s we’ll just have to carry on. Brian doesn’t see himself as leaving a thriving band to “carry on” without him because, in his mind, Queen has already “died” and all of them need to move on with their lives.

I also want to acknowledge the lyric And our dear friend, let’s just hope he still has it all. This comes in the second verse, which Brian added to his version (Lennon only had one of these verses in the original song). Obviously it’s a callback to the And so dear friends from the first verse, but it says a lot about Brian’s state of mind and how Freddie was still at the forefront of his thoughts that he added an entire second verse to really hammer home the demise of Queen and then ends it with a bittersweet reflection that he hopes Freddie “still has it all” even after his death.

Finally, there’s the lyric, I was the gentle one, but now I must be strong which I think is a really interesting moment of self-reflection from Brian. When compared against the “chaos twins” of Roger and Freddie, and even John who got up to some wild shenanigans himself, it’s easy to see why Brian might characterize himself as the quiet and gentle one in the band (and he has been described as a sort of “gentle giant” by others around Queen over the years).

However it’s the second half of that that’s really striking, because it really shows the position that Brian was in following Freddie’s death where he (and Roger, and presumably also John though John stayed away from interviewers more) felt that he needed to stand up for Freddie’s legacy and needed to be “strong” in the face of everything that was said about Freddie and his final years. And, of course, given that he was extremely depressed and suicidal at the time, it’s also worth mentioning that he was being “strong” simply by continuing to live and move forward with his life even when he didn’t want to.

Lyric Analysis - Rejection Statements

Like I mentioned back at the beginning of this post, Lennon’s original song lyrics take the rough format of 1. Criticizing God as a concept 2. Rejecting various religions and belief systems 3. Affirming his belief in himself and Yoko Ono 4. Rejecting who he was with the Beatles. As we discussed in the last section, Brian’s song cuts out the religion entirely and he instead starts by confirming and discussing the end of Queen. 

Following this, though, he returns to Lennon’s original structure with his own "I don’t believe in...” lyrics. His are completely different to Lennon’s, however just like Lennon’s rejections followed on from his opening statements about God I think Brian’s rejections follow from his open statements about Queen and continue to be largely about the band (while also allowing for broader societal interpretations, as many of Brian’s lyrics are designed to have several layers to them).

For the purposes of this post, though, we’re only going to talk about how these lyrics relate to Freddie, Queen in general, and Brian’s own mental health at the time.

I don’t believe in magic / I don’t believe in pain / I don’t believe in heroes / I don’t believe in fame are the four that I really feel are about Freddie. The first two I think are about his death. After seeing Freddie die in the way he did, Brian is stating that he doesn’t believe in magic (because there was no magic cure to save Freddie) and he doesn’t believe in pain (possibly that he doesn’t believe in prolonging someone’s pain, or that he doesn’t understand a world that allows for human suffering more broadly).

The next two lines I feel are Brian reflecting on how meaningless it is to be famous or to be someone’s “hero”. I think part of this is Brian mourning the loss of Freddie and trying to distance himself from what Freddie meant to him in order to distance himself from the grief he feels (because Brian absolutely considered Freddie his hero, as proven by his original plan for his second solo album). And paired with this is Brian’s criticism of “fame” as a concept, because being famous didn’t save Freddie either and, in fact, being hounded by the press only made his final months more difficult than they already were.

This leads into the next line, I don’t believe the newsprint, which is clearly a criticism of the lies the press printed (and were still printing) about Freddie. But the phrasing of this as “newsprint” also hearkens back to the music video for Scandal, and serves as a reminder that the press had been uncharitable towards all of them through the late 80s and early 90s. 

The next line, I don’t believe we’re free may also be referring to Queen specifically (in addition to the broader societal implications). Given that Brian littered his open verses with “we” statements, he could be talking about how they still aren’t “free” from the press even though it’s been nearly two years since Freddie’s death or how they aren’t “free” from the shadow of Queen’s legacy.

Personally, the lyrics I don’t believe in pressure / ‘cause I don’t believe we’re right also make me think of Queen and I do wonder if the use of “pressure” is supposed to be an oblique reference to Under Pressure. Even if it’s not, the “pressure” he could be talking about may be the pressure to return and deal with his Queen obligations, including helping with Made In Heaven, which Brian wasn’t ready to do at this point.

The lyrics I don’t believe in color / I don’t believe in white I don’t think are entirely about race, especially since like I said before I don’t think he’s singing “whites” with an “s” to make it a noun. Personally, I can see this as another commentary on Brian’s mental state at the time and the dark depression he felt that left him feeling like he was living in a bleak and colorless world. (Even if Brian is singing “whites” though, given how his lyrics often have multiple layers of meaning I don’t think this excludes an interpretation of this with regards to his mental health even if it makes the race message more overt.)

The I don’t believe in fight line is another one that I think is about Brian’s depression. Although it certainly connects with the “torture” in the line before, he doesn’t say that he doesn’t believe in war or conflict just that he doesn’t believe in fighting, a sentiment that carries a very different meaning for a man who was depressed to the point of being suicidal.

Going back to the Queen references one more time, we get the one absolutely direct Queen lyric at the very end: I don’t believe in being Queen any more, I just believe in me. As I explained before, Brian is very firmly stating that he believes that Queen is over and he’s moved on from the band. Although these lyrics mirror Lennon’s I do think that there’s some truth to Brian’s statement of I just believe in me. He had some minor conflicts with at least Roger in the early 90s (both of them said uncharitable things about each other’s work outside Queen) and since Brian had walked away from helping them with the Made In Heaven tapes I do think that Brian felt that he was at least somewhat truly alone now.

Even the next line, Just you guys and me is very different from Lennon believing in himself and Yoko Ono. Brian doesn’t tie himself to a relationship, he ties himself to his audience - and, more importantly, he adds an extra line tying himself to his band as well. While I think part of this serves as a general final acknowledgement of the Brian May Band after the larger band introductions earlier in the show, I also think this is Brian’s way of acknowledging that he’s been able to move forward because he has the support of people like Cozy, Spike, Neil, Jamie, etc. even if he doesn’t feel that he has Queen in his corner anymore.

Finally, Brian ends his song by repeating The dream is over one last time but he also adds, Dream on which isn’t in the original Lennon song. Even though Brian has acknowledged Freddie’s death and the end of the Queen dream, his final message is to keep dreaming anyway. It’s possible that he means this as the dream of his solo career, or to keep the dream of Queen’s music alive even after the end of the band… but it’s also possible that he means this as a much more literal dream, since Brian has talked a few times about having dreams of Freddie following his death, and of waking up and just wanting to go back to dreaming of his friend.

Given the ambiguity of the earlier lyric And our dear friend, let’s just hope he still has it all this may be another moment of heartache from Brian who wants to keep “dream[ing] on” about his lost friend because that’s the last connection that he has to Freddie.

And with that, the song ends, and Brian launches into the rest of his encore and the final song of the show with “Hammer to Fall”... but a discussion about that particular song choice is, I think, a meta post for another day. 

[team-zoey-has-two-hands]

writing max richman as jewish: a beginner’s guide

hey y’all! as a jewish person, i haven’t really seen much content in this small but still growing fandom we have that depicts max as jewish other than an offhand mention, and while that’s also essentially what we have in canon, i thought it would be nice for goyim (non jewish individuals) to know how to write him in accordance to judaism.

let’s begin!

a bit about denominations

there are multiple branches of judaism, just like christianity. the most notable branches include:

orthodox (traditional judaism, these are your people going by the old law and believe that old laws hold true and don’t change)

reform judaism (your people that believe that judaism Has to change and evolve with the times)

there are other branches such as conservative and reconstructionist that are kind of in the middle of these two, but reform and orthodox are definitely the largest and they’re essentially the furthest to each ‘side’ of judaism (conservative errs a bit more to the orthodox side, and reconstructionist to the reform side).

the creator of the show, austin winsberg, grew up a reform jew, so one could assume that max, too, is reform.

one more thing about denominations: messianic judaism is NOT a form of judaism. messianic judaism is both a way to forcibly convert jews to christianity and for goys to appropriate our culture by slapping jesus on our culture and holidays with little care or kindness. do NOT have max as a messianic jew, and remember that they are NOT actual jews.

a bit about holidays

hanukkah (also spelled chanukah) is not, contrary to popular belief by goyim, the largest and most important jewish holiday. basically, it is not jewish christmas, nothing is jewish christmas. hanukkah is actually a rather small holiday in the grand scheme of things. do NOT, however, make max celebrate christmas, no matter how small hanukkah actually is. he and zoey can have joint hanukkah & christmas celebrations if they want, but under no circumstances does he celebrate christmas.

the largest and most important jewish holidays are the high holidays, rosh hashanah and yom kippur . rosh hashanah is the jewish new year (judaism has a different calendar, at the time of writing this in july 2020 it’s 5780, but jewish people use the secular calendar. the jewish calendar is used mostly for ceremonial purposes, such as determining holidays, torah portions, and the like). yom kippur is the holiest day of the year, and it’s when jewish people atone for their sins in the old year and start fresh for the new year.

the high holidays fall usually in september, and last three days. most jewish people, even those who don’t usually go to temple, will go to temple for these holidays. a thing you’ll see jewish people doing on these holidays is tashlikh, where we symbolically cast away our sins by throwing bread crumbs or rice into a body of water, which is a thing max could mention doing. another thing is that yom kippur is a day with a 25 hour fast, usually spent almost entirely in temple (yes, the entire day). after the fast, there’s a huge feast.

every saturday is shabbat, which is technically jewish sabbath, but it takes place from sundown friday to sundown Saturday. while christians can use electricity and even work on the sabbath, there are a whole list of things that you are not supposed to do on shabbat that qualify as working (called the 39 melachot), including using electricity and cooking. however, some modern jews have made allowances for using cars to get to shabbat services, since many people do not live within walking distance of a temple.

max says that he goes to temple, but we can probably assume that he’s not the most hardcore practicing jew, and you do not have to say that he’s not doing anything on saturday because of shabbat. many jews do not observe shabbat due to practical reasons, because we live in a secular world, where once it was very easy to practice shabbat, it is not now. many events in america are scheduled on saturday for christians who go to church on sunday, so keep that in mind.

another jewish holiday, passover, has a tradition of a ritual feast, called a seder, max could specifically invite zoey to his family’s seder. for more info on seders & other jewish holidays you’d like me to talk on, send me an ask!

a word on stereotypes

there is no law saying that you cannot portray a jewish character as a stereotype. but that doesn’t mean you won’t hurt people by doing that, especially if it’s a particularly harmful stereotype.

if your jewish character is dirty rich and horribly greedy with money and has no redeeming traits, that is not okay. that doesn’t mean that your jewish character cannot be rich. the DIFFERENCE is that you need to not portray things in a harmful way. so that greedy jew could be rich, but it would mean a lot, if you are a goy writing a jew, not making the character greedy. if your character HAS to be greedy and HAS to be jewish, something is wrong.

you can give max a jewish mother as a goy if you don’t go too over the top with it (take pointers from jewish writers, im glad to help you with this, myself), but please don’t give him a JAP sister if you can help it. also, don’t describe any family members as having hooked noses or droopy eyes or, god forbid, horns, and don’t have them constantly saying mazel tov.

something you CAN do: go ahead and use oy vey, if you’d like. you may also say oy vey gevalt, which is an oy vey telling of impending doom, and oy vey ist mir, which is just the non-shortened version of oy vey. it is also a YIDDISH saying, not hebrew, please keep that in mind.

religious texts

the torah is NOT the same thing as the bible. the torah itself only includes the Old Testament, but the torah is not the only bit of religious text.

the jewish bible is known as the tanakh, and it has three parts: the pentateuch (torah), the prophets (nevi'im) and the writings (ketuvim). the torah is the most important piece, however, and torah portions are read at temple every saturday from a priceless torah scroll, usually very old and always very very sacred. the other most important piece of jewish religious texts is the talmud, which is basically a bunch of books interpreting and explaining the tanakh. we love our religious texts so much, that we even have a whole holiday celebrating our religious texts where we take the torah scrolls out of a special case and parade them around with pride.

in conclusion:

if you have Any questions, any questions at all on how to write max (or any other character) as jewish, feel free to dm me or shoot me an ask! i would love to answer your questions, and no question is stupid. this is just the beginner’s guide, judaism is very complex and very rich and honestly amazing, and i do love to talk about it.

[cruelfeline]

odairsfinnicks replied to your post “One thing that I feel was entirely unexplored, and that I feel really...”

you missed the point. it’s ‘show’ not tell, and honestly, even without the characters acknowledging what happened to hordak, i understand that he is also a victim of the bigger villain, prime, and thus was spared. the etherians who lost their homes and loved ones because of his work aren’t obligated to be empathetic toward someone who tried to kill them, lol? also, catra, while not outright pointing out the abuse hordak faced, WAS empathetic, despite it all. (1/2)

she recognized him, despite being a clone, and said it’s nice to see a familiar face. catra, imo, is no more obligated to treat him kindly after what she went through because of what he did in the fright zone, but i thought catra was trying for a sort of kinship with him there, even if he rejected it.

Hmmmm... let me see what I think of this....

So! First point, regarding show-not-tell: normally, I would completely accept this; however, the show blatantly emphasizes the importance of empathy in other, similar instances. Namely with the Etherian Horde, AKA the ones who have supposedly been massacring all innocent Etherians:

The show is not shy about ensuring that we know where it stands regarding how victimized villains should be treated. It very much comes right out and tells us that the people in the Horde are still people and warrant some level of empathy. 

The scene with Scorpia being introduced to lettuce for the first time furthers this in a good show-don’t-tell way while still getting the point of “oh my word, your life was Not Okay” across: Scorpia has never had green food. Perfuma is horrified. The implication is that Scorpia’s life in the Horde was damaging and abnormal.

We never get anything like this with any of the Horde clones; there is no clear confirmation that these are victims. 

Another good example is provided via the scenes between Adora and Catra after Save The Cat:

Catra is traumatized. It is obvious that she is traumatized. And because she is traumatized, she received comforting words and soothing touches. Her trauma is recognized by both the narrative and by the characters around her. 

Hordak’s trauma is never addressed like this. Wrongie’s trauma is never addressed like this. that gross scene where Prime strokes a clone like he’s his pet is never addressed like this Both are either used for shock value or for laughs, and while those of us hanging out in the Hordak fandom recognize said trauma for what it is, I remain convinced that a good number in the fandom do not.

And the reason I remain convinced of such is that I have seen multiple instances of people just not understanding why Hordak was spared. Or why the clones weren’t killed. It just doesn’t seem to land that the clones are... like... livestock slave soldiers.

So: it’s not so much that I expect the show to spell it out for us, but I would deeply appreciate some level of consistency. If the show has made a habit of pointing out the trauma and humanity of its victimized villains, then it just seems sort of weird and callous when a whole race of people who are basically war-ready livestock are just... not given the same treatment. It weirds me out. That may not be rational, I know, but it’s just how I feel.

This all kind of applies to the idea of the Etherians not being empathetic because of the war. I definitely understand that, but we see our heroes specifically being empathetic to the people they’ve been fighting this whole time. So... inconsistency. Again.

Now, regarding Catra: I agree that she is appropriately horrified by what she sees, but I would have appreciated more of an acknowledgement of this in terms of confirming that, yes, what Hordak and the clones go through is horrendous. Instead, she is horrified (and one may even argue that she is more afraid for herself than for Hordak) and then never mentions it again. Instead, she stabs her dirty hand into his neck port which I cannot stand gods that’s so unpleasant for me please no one stab clones in their neck ports their nervous systems are in there, uses him to open Glimmer’s door, and that’s that. He is never spoken of again, except when Entrapta interacts with him. There’s never anything that confirms to non-Hordak fans that yes: this was traumatic, and this was terrible, and this is Hordak as a victim.

And finally: the idea that Hordak rejected kinship with Catra.

Ah. Hm. That’s... not how I interpret that scene. 

I interpret that scene as Hordak not wanting to be reminded of his name, or of his past, because the knowledge that he has lost his freedom, his lover, and any sense of triumph, victory, success, or self-respect is too much for him to bear. 

Which is why he willingly undergoes the purification ritual: he’s not rejecting kinship. He’s rejecting... himself, I think. He’s lost his chance at happiness, and he’s trying to commit some sort of mental suicide to forget and help himself accept life as Prime’s acolyte. 

Anyway, that’s my view on all of that, for what it’s worth!

[bbq-hawks-wings]

If your interested, I also mentioned that Apollo was the god of oracles and prophecy. And there was that prophecy about Endeavor bringing everyone's demise in the form of Dabi :) even if he wasn't mentioned by name, we know he's the 'darkness' Endeavor's light will summon. And to fit in with that more, Dabi killing Endeavor will erase him from the narrative, which is like the dreams he was having.

(Continued) If Dabi = Apollo, and to Apollo, Hawks were his messenger birds then hmm whatdya think? *nudge nudge* He! Knows! The! Thing! Horikoshi is probably mixing a lot of stories. Someone once wrote that Icarus fell all the way down to Tartarus, but I can't find any source for that. We know he drowned at sea, but is there anything written on what happened after in detail or is that it? I'd also like to mention, while we're on the topic of myths.

(Continuing) Hawks' eyes are similar to the eyes of Horus/Ra are they not? His eyes are a big deal in the manga, and Ra is known as 'The Hidden One' Now we know Hawks is always hiding himself behind his feathers, there's at least three specific panels of him doing that. The MOST INTERESTING part is that Ra has many names, and one is secret, because knowing that would mean having power over him. (Applies to Dabi too in a way tbh.) but! We're thinking of Keigo Takami here ;)

(Last part) And Dabi held the power over him when he shouted it out and made Hawks lose his cool there. Bonus: Horus lost his left eye in a war with Set, and Dabi's foot was on Hawks' left eye and burned it. - anon from Foxy's tags.

I am VERY interested in the extended/multiple myth angle, particularly in regards to Hawks, Foxy anon. (Thanks for dropping by to talk, btw.) I've read everything over that you've sent, and if it's okay, I'd like to review your thoughts and chime in at the end with my own. I'm going to do it under the cut, though, because this is going to get long. Lol

I absolutely agree with you that Dabi is likely either a front-runner or the main agent of darkness summoned by Endeavor's light. The concept of the prophecy was introduced in canon, and I don't doubt Horikoshi plans to explicitly bring it up again. Considering Dabi's supposed dark connections to Endeavor's past he's a prime candidate to knock Endeavor out of the sky. When you combine this with the fact that Dabi's hair is black while Touya's appears to be snow white with the character for "light" spelled out in his name, it's hard to believe Dabi won't have some major role to play in this prophecy. The thematic idea that Apollo/Touya, as this more symbolic role than anything, in the background gives Hawks this prophecy to pass on about the incoming darkness is also not unlikely.

I'm not so sure the Hawks = Horus-Ra angle tracks as cleanly, though. Still, I'll follow your thought process first and give it the benefit of the doubt when discussing it before adding my thoughts. I'll be referring to Horus and Ra as the same entity as from my cursory research they were occasionally combined into the same deity and both share some nominal similarities with Hawks. Please also note Egyptian mythology is not my strong suit, and it has its own complexities I'm unfamiliar with. I'm only working with what I know and can research on the surface.

The note about his eyes are fascinating considering the fact that the Eye of Horus and the Eye of Ra are both major, destinct parts of the Egyptian mythology as well as having their own separate symbolic meanings and power - The right Eye of Ra representing the sun and having associations with aggression and destruction while the left Eye of Horus, representing the moon, was associated with healing, sacrifice, protection and wisdom - even being referred to as "the all-seeing eye."

Yet as potentially rich and interesting this angle is, I'm not entirely sure it's close enough to canon to stick.

My first objection starts with his proposed equivalence to Ra who is considered king of the gods and creator of all things as well as the personification of the sun itself. Imo, this is just too lofty of a position to accurately attribute to Hawks. Despite losing the sweet "bird of prey" aesthetic, I think Thoth would probably be a better fit as the god of the moon and writing, particularly as he restores the Eye of Horus. There's also the issue of which eye is burned and the significance of them - seeing as Hawks' left eye was burned, which according to this theory would be the Eye of Horus, it would make more sense for this to read as Hawks losing his motivation to work for those more selfless, positive qualities that up to this point have defined his character and leave only the Eye of Ra, the more destructive and violent tendencies, to reign unless some other character embodying Thoth restored it for him.

This premise of the right and left eyes on its own is positively dope and has a Shonen series begging to be made of it. However, I find it too far removed from the proven inspiration of HeroAca so far to be much more than a neat thought exercise for our purposes today. At least for the moment it would make sense to stick closer to the Greco-Roman angle we have at the moment, especially considering how closely tied together Dabi, Endeavor, and Hawks canonically are. If the Icarus story is meant to be the case as well and we wanted to flesh out Hawks individually more, I could see an angle that keeps the bird motif as well as the consequences of Daedalus/Endeavor's hubris directly impacting him as well.

Nevertheless, with the Egyptian aspect set to the side for now and sticking to our speculation around the Icarus myth for the moment, I'd like to posit that if Horikoshi is actually intending to take the larger mythos around Daedalus to explain the dynamics of these characters Hawks will be playing the role of one or two myths outside of merely acting as Dabi/Icarus' tattered wings. It requires some creative liberties to work; but nothing I'd consider too outside the realm of reason to break it.

Long before the tower, and even the birth of Icarus himself, Daedalus had an apprentice - either Talos or Perdix depending on the source. This apprentice was brilliant - even more so than Daedalus himself - and looked up to him to emulate him in his admiration of him. Though in this myth Daedalus commits the upcoming crime himself out of jealousy of his apprentice, if we tweaked it to mean "due to Daedalus' jealousy, Talos/Perdix was pushed out of a tower to his demise" the angle still works depending on the direction the manga takes. Athena - goddess of wisdom, and interesting in the context of HeroAca, the clever, noble, and positive aspect of war - looked on Talos/Perdix with favor and before he could be killed by the fall was transformed into a partridge who, remembering his past life, never soared or climbed to high places again and only nests close to the ground.

Like the other roles it's a stretch, and we really don't have enough canon material to work with to prove it either way, but a couple of notes in particular gives this theory enough merit for me to keep tucked in the back of my head as we go on.

A more direct, cause and effect relationship with Endeavor should he actually be playing the role of Daedalus.

The specific note of admiration and subsequent betrayal leading to the younger's downfall due to the previously unknown envy of the older.

If this myth pertains to events that have already happened in the manga (i.e. the fall of Talos/Perdix was Hawks' "adoption" by the HPSC) the low-dwelling partridge transformation fits not only because of Hawks' humble and wary nature but because of the symbolic blessing of Athena in particular being the catalyst for the change.

If this is meant to be indicative of events that will happen in the future (Hawks' burned wings, the epiphany about Endeavor, etc) it still works whether Hawks gets his wings back or not. In the case he doesn't he will be a grounded bird, though far from useless and still radiant; and if he does it leaves open the opportunity to squeeze in another myth - that of the Phoenix - instead of the partridge which ties in much more strongly with the theme of transformation and rebirth while keeping with the bird motif as well as ties in Endeavor's personal trademark of fire. This second ending also has the potential to work thematically whether Hawks forgives Endeavor or not depending on the interpretation - the Phoenix rises again reborn despite the fire, or the fire itself gives the Phoenix new life to soar again.

In this case, both Perdix and Icarus fall from high towers due to Daedalus' hubris - the first lured there out of false pretense through no fault of his own and the second out of desperation and even mania to escape and live his own life; but notably, while Icarus loses his wings and falls to his doom, Perdix reaches the ground safely and continues on to live on transformed as a new being.

Again, this is all speculation, and Horikoshi can crush our dreams completely with a single chapter release, but the thought experiment is fun even if I wasn't sure every myth brought up quite works with the canon revealed to us so far, and I get the added bonus of learning about new mythologies I might otherwise not have looked into myself.

Thanks for dropping these in my inbox, anon! I know I may have shot down the Egyptian myth part a bit in regards to fitting with canon, but your points make for killer AU potential! Are there any other characters you see as having parallels to Egyptian gods - other AUs I’ve seen have given Dabi the role of Anubis, for example? I'd love to hear more!

[argentdandelion]

Make Ralsei Say Heck No (Part 2)

As specified in Part 1, it’s quite odd Ralsei is so cooperative, submissive, and eager to help Lightners even when not explicitly asked to do so. He practically can’t say no, even to absurd or outrageous demands.1 Even to Susie, it takes a while for him to become the slightest bit assertive, visibly frustrated with her, or otherwise non-apologetic and submissive.

Why is this so?

Option 1: Lack of a Choice

Ralsei may believe he has no choice but to be a Delta Warrior, so he must act as hero-like as he can. He apparently thinks hero-like behavior is cooperative, polite, and peaceful, at least relative to Susie’s aggression.

To Kris, he says:

“As heroes we have the power to make a peaceful future. So from now on let's try to avoid FIGHTing OK?”

Later, after listing three instances of Susie’s aggression and how bad it was, he tells Susie:

“Susie...Whether you like it or not...You're a hero. One with the power to bring peace to the future. Could you please start... acting like one?”

Furthermore, he strongly believes getting by without fighting will ensure a happy ending to their tale, and if not, the result will not be “favorable”. Ralsei therefore might think he must be the best hero possible to ensure the best ending, or perhaps to ensure a happy ending to the tale at all.

Counterpoints

As much as he talks about non-violence, he does goes along with Kris’s orders, even if it’s to beat up people not even affiliated with the Spade King’s armies. Regardless of whether he beats people up, he remains polite and cooperative.

Option 2: Delta Warrior at All Costs

It’s also possible Ralsei believes he does have a choice to be one of the Delta Warriors, as a “prince from the dark”. He believes serving Lightners is the only way for Darkners to feel truly fulfilled, and Seam and the Spade King corroborated part of Ralsei’s claim. Ergo, being one of the Delta Warriors would not only let him assist Lightners, but be able to interact with two of them a lot, and so feel very fulfilled.

However, Ralsei isn’t the only “prince from the dark”: there’s also Lancer. (If he didn’t know that at the beginning, he surely learns it early on in the journey.) More specifically, as Lancer has actual subjects, he has a greater claim to the position. If Ralsei makes himself a valuable, pleasing party member, Kris and Susie won’t go searching for other princes from the dark.

The interpretation is suggested in the following dialogue:

Lancer: Just walking along with you guys...Feels nice. Like I'm doing something... important. Ralsei: That's because you're alongside the Lightners, Lancer. Our purpose—Darkners' purpose—is to assist them. It's the only way we can feel truly fulfilled.”

Strangely, Ralsei doesn’t exactly look happy when he says “It’s the only way we can feel truly fulfilled”, suggesting his desire is deeper than just wanting a fun adventure.

Option 3: Friend Desperation

Overlapping with Option 2, Ralsei may be so desperate to be friends with Kris and Susie that he doesn’t have any boundaries or social standards. In fact, he says: “I've been waiting alone here...um...my whole life for you two to arrive. So...I'm really happy to meet you.”

Though Ralsei would logically be friends with the other Delta Warriors, his sheer conflict avoidance suggests he thinks he has no other options. It might be something like “country niceness”: when a countryside kid has only ten playmate options, alienating any of them is a big loss, necessitating extra-polite behavior. Most of the time, he acts as helpful as he can, deferring to Kris’s judgement. If “...” is selected when he talks to Kris before exiting through the great door, Ralsei says: “Kris in the end what you choose is up to you. As long as you're happy with it I'm happy too.”

Furthermore, he obeys even strange commands, such as Kris telling him to “offer his services” to Lancer and Susie during a fight with them. (he offers to braid hair) Most worryingly, in the first Lancer encounter, Ralsei even says he’ll “protect the heroes with my life!”. 2

Oddly, Ralsei is helpful even when his teammates are mean to him or go against his beliefs. Although Susie is consistently aggressive, uncooperative, insulting and otherwise rude, Kris, too, can be mean to Ralsei. (dropping the manual, attacking the dummy repeatedly, making Ralsei eat the stump salsa) Though Ralsei points out multiple times that “FIGHTing is unnecessary in this world” and he believes it will give an unfavorable ending, he nonetheless obeys Kris when told to FIGHT, and even equips the Ragged Scarf, which improves his fighting ability.

He might act strange to Kris and Susie not only because they’re his only (even first) friends, but also “cool kids” he puts on a pedestal. After all, Kris and Susie aren’t simply two people his age who arrived in the kingdom, but two Lightners, worshipped like gods, who he believes are the prophecized “heroes of light”. This contrasts with his blunter behavior to Lancer. After he attacks with two Hathies, Lancer asks how much money he gets after the battle, and Ralsei says he doesn’t get any because he lost. He also acts unusually blunt when pointing out Lancer hasn’t made the thrash machine yet: although he’s talking about something both Lancer and Susie were working on, he was addressing Lancer.3 One of the few times Ralsei is gets angry is when Lancer taunts Ralsei on the swear-word name of their team, as he tells Lancer: "OK, fine! We can keep the name! I just won't say it." However, there’s also a time he was clearly, loudly angry at Susie: on the third post-designed machine encounter, (see video) Ralsei says: "Fine!!! We don't want to be bad guys!!!" (with three exclamation marks, even)

Counterpoints

Although Lancer is not one the “cool kids” (if that’s synonymous with Lightners), Ralsei’s different behavior towards him might not have anything to do with him being a Darkner, less cool, or less suitable for friendship. Ralsei might act differently to Lancer because he’s an obstacle to their goals, annoys them, or mocks them. Rouxls Kaard himself describes Lancer as “more annoying than a fistful of fleas!” and a “strange and irritating darling”.

Option 4: Crush on Kris

Ralsei might be so obedient and eager to please because he has a crush on Kris. According to Kidshealth, people might feel shy, giddy, or both around a crush. Concerning giddiness, he believes Darkners can only feel true fulfilment by serving Lightners, and he is quite eager to serve Kris. Concerning shyness, Ralsei acts submissive, polite, eager to please, and shy or socially-anxious around Kris. As mentioned in Option 3, he says: “Kris in the end what you choose is up to you. As long as you're happy with it I'm happy too.” His submissive-polite speech pattern could indicate nervousness around his crush, and a lack of experience with his feelings and how to act around crushes. Social inexperience is quite plausible: he has barely, if ever, socialized with anyone, since he says he’s been “waiting his whole life for” Kris and Susie, alone in his castle.

At multiple points, Ralsei blushes or acts lovestruck while Kris is physically affectionate or complimentary to him. He blushes when Kris hugs him in the battle tutorial against the dummy. He also blushes when Kris gives the White Ribbon to him, and he asks Kris if he looks pretty. (If Susie’s in the party at that point, he still blushes, but asks Susie instead) More convincingly, when Kris stands really close to Ralsei, Ralsei blushes (but doesn’t ask Kris to move) and when Kris repeatedly attacks the dummy, Ralsei says it’s okay if Kris attacks him, too. (while also blushing) He also amusedly says Kris doesn’t need to donate to the tutorial masters to get him to call Kris “honey”, and that's something married couples, not friends, call each other.

He is also polite, submissive, and waffling to Susie, cares a lot about her, wants her on the team, and goes along with her plans when it’s not outright counterproductive (e.g., being launched at K. Round). However, he still treats Susie differently: he doesn’t blush when talking to Susie, nor does he anticipate Susie’s needs as he does for Kris. (The closest he gets to that is mentioning he “WAS going to bake a cake later” when Susie alludes to her hunger over three sentences.) This suggests he doesn’t have a crush on Susie, too.

It’s likely that this crush is combined with putting Kris on a pedestal or being intimidated by then. Seam says “[Lightners] were like gods to us.” and the Spade King continues with the godlike characterization, telling Ralsei to “perish with the pathetic Lightners you worship!” An NPC also points out the Delta Warriors took the Ragged Scarf in the chest without even asking, and claims it's a "gift to help you defeat the KING!" but also points out they're "potentially criminals". When Kris does the wrong thing, such as repeatedly hugging Ralsei in a combat tutorial, he might be too intimidated to say no, especially for harmless actions. Furthermore, Ralsei might lack integrity or feel insecure at the start, making him especially socially malleable.

Counterpoints

Though blushing in certain circumstances (e.g., saying Kris can hit them) could indicate Ralsei is lovestruck and possibly a masochist (see below), blushing can also show shame or anxiety. Therefore, Ralsei might blush when saying Kris can hit him due to his anticipation of Kris’s needs and inability to say no combining with discomfort on the matter.

It’s unclear whether he enjoys being hugged in general, hugged by people he likes, or specifically being hugged by Kris. After all, he said he’s never hugged anyone before, so he, logically, would never have been hugged back.

Option 5: Social and Physical Masochist

It’s possible he actually likes some combination of getting hurt, insulted, or bossed around, as well as serving Lightners. This is unusual: other Darkners also respond unhappily to getting hurt or insulted, such as Jigswaries getting attacked by Susie or Susie being mean to Bloxer. Even Lancer, as much as he likes Susie, doesn’t act submissive or servile towards her. There’s no evidence Lancer likes getting bossed around or insulted, and he doesn’t like getting hurt. Lancer even imprisons Susie to prevent her and the other Lightners from fighting (and potentially killing) his dad: Ralsei never poses such an obstacle.

Although the Rudinns are unhappy fanning Susie and Lancer, Ralsei offers to fan Kris just in case they’re envious of an evildoing lifestyle. If Kris throws away the manual, Ralsei offers to make a better one next time. The biggest piece of evidence is that, when Ralsei says it’s okay if Kris hits him, Ralsei blushes.

This is one of the less likely interpretations. Although he has a strangely high tolerance for others being mean to him, he does eventually ask Susie to stop being mean to him. However, he’s still a pushover: he entices her into simply being nice to him on a journey to save the world by offering cake, rather than for the sake of decency.

Option 6: Slightly Insane

Mental disturbance is another less likely possibility. After all, Seam says “Around here, you learn to find ways to pass the time...or go mad like everyone else.” If Seam is right, descending into madness is a risk for Darkners, so Ralsei could be mildly insane.

Still, even without supernatural explanations, his behavior and beliefs could easily become erratic if he was alone in the quietude of his castle for long enough, especially without a variety of fun activities. Seam may describe the Dark World as a “prison”, but Ralsei’s kingdom is a prison within a prison: except for two hedges in the tiny Castle Town, there apparently aren’t any living things there but him. Even hermits have richer nature surroundings, and animals for company. Yet, unless Ralsei climbs a cliff to the starting zone to meet with the spoon-like hazards and the sleeping dust lumps, he doesn’t even have animals: just the dummy based off himself.

Conclusion

Although there’s definitely something psychologically weird about Ralsei, it’s hard to figure out what, since there are many ways to interpret his behavior. Some explanations can even be combined: he could, for example, be happy about inevitably becoming a Delta Warrior, solitude eroded his social boundaries (if he ever had any), and he’s simultaneously in love with and intimidated by Kris.

There’s not enough data to say which interpretations are true, or how many, or to what extent. But one thing’s for sure: Ralsei ought to put up some boundaries and say “heck no!” a lot more.

If you enjoyed this post, you may be interested in the author's Patreon and Ko-Fi.

Related Reading Flowey and PTSD series (also analyses the causes and symptoms of strange behavior)

When the Spade King tells him to "perish with the pathetic LIGHTNERs you worship", Ralsei says: “Sorry, but we’re not going anywhere!” Even when responding to the villain of the story who wants to kill him, he sounds almost apologetic. ↩︎

He says this as if he’s not a hero himself. It might mean he knows he's a not one of the prophecized heroes, or that he doesn't have have a high opinion of himself. ↩︎

Lancer: The WHAT machine? Ralsei: The machine... ? We had a whole sequence about it...? Lancer: Oh that. Yeah we'll make it at the last minute. Ralsei: You two should REALLY start working on it earlier...

↩︎

[daisylincs]

Ok sorry if you get multiple of the same ask just ignore the copies Anyway can you do a staticquake 53, 58, 62

53 = Mutual Pining, 58 = Accidental Eavesdropping and 62 = Love Confessor (Character A confessing their love for Character B to Character C). 

Hey thanks, anon! Now, for some reason, my brain at midnight decided it would be a really good idea to combine this prompt with, of all things, a Circus AU. I cannot for the life of me explain why I thought this, except maybe that I was scrolling through the prompt list and realised that I've never actually seen a Circus AU before. (If you've ever seen one, please send it to me!! I'd love to give it a read.) 

Anyway, however it happened, here's the bullet-point fic for you! I hope you like it 😁🎪

Shield Circus is known far and wide for its incredible acts, and for how its performers have formed their own tight-knit little family. From the ringmaster, Coulson, who's basically a dad to them all, to the fearless trapeze queen May and her protégés Daisy and Elena, to Fitz and Jemma with their ever-hilarious mad science show, everyone has a place where they fit in, and everyone knows, trusts and likes everyone. 

Naturally, there's a lot of teasing around, too - with a group as close as that, what else can you expect, really? 

And since Fitzsimmons have finally gotten their act together (ha, ha) the group's collective shipping interest has moved on to Daisy. 

Specifically, Daisy and Lincoln, who everybody can see like each other - except, obviously, Daisy and Lincoln. 

Lincoln's role in the circus is a musician, and while he's still a part of the Shield family, he's not as super-close as all the performers are. Him and Daisy are friends, sure, but they're not that close, and he's sure his massive crush is unrequited. 

After all, why would someone like her, who can literally fly through the air, fall in love with him, whose only sort-of skill is playing the circus theme?

 He's made it a habit to sit and watch her train with May and Elena in the evenings - she's absolutely radiant in the air, flushed and happy with success, and always laughing and delighted with herself when she comes down to the ground again. 

Oh, he's so far gone. 

"You two drive me up the wall," Hunter, the lion-tamer, informs Lincoln as he's setting up his act. (Lincoln doesn't think Hunter can really talk, since he literally describes his job with the lions as "they can't do anything worse to me than my hellbeast wife." But he doesn't say that - Hunter and Bobbi are in one of their on phases.) 

Instead he just grumbles, "yeah, whatever, man," as he trails the trapeze artists out of the ring so he can hopefully catch Daisy for a chat before dinner. 

He's hanging around outside the changing room - not creepily, thank you very much, he and Daisy actually have a standing arrangement to meet up after she's done with training to laugh together about the day's nonsense - when he hears May's voice. 

He's a little surprised, because May usually changes very quickly so she can go over the plans for the next show with Coulson before dinner. 

And he knows he shouldn't, but if his time with Shield has taught him anything, it's that privacy is a rather vague construct around here. Eavesdropping is a thing in the circus, especially if it can get you good bribing material. 

Nobody's ever got any good bribing material on May, so can you even blame him for listening in? 

What he hears, though, is decidedly not that. 

"... sure he doesn't feel the same way?" May is asking. 

It's Daisy who replies. "I don't know! He's never shown anything that couldn't just be interpreted as just, you know, being a good friend."

 May makes a kind of unconvinced "hmm" noise. 

"Oh, don't give me that," Daisy says, exasperated. "Fitz and Jemma used to meet up after training all the time - hell, they even slept in each other's trailers." 

"And Fitz and Jemma are now dating," May says drily. 

Lincoln can just see the scowl on Daisy's face. "Okay, fine, maybe not my best example. But -" her voice catches slightly "- I don't want to go into this unless I'm absolutely sure he feels the same way. I can't… the pain of thinking someone really cares about me, then having my heart torn out when I find out the truth - I can't go through that again." 

He has never heard her sound so vulnerable, and it makes his heart clench. He knows exactly who did this to her, and if Ward ever shows his face here again, Lincoln will punch him straight into the next county. (He suspects he'll have to stand in line, though.) 

There's a kind of soft rustle in the room, and he thinks it might mean May has pulled Daisy into a hug. His heart clenches again, for entirely different reasons this time - May might seem unapproachable and impassive, but God, she cares so much. 

"Daisy," May says softly, and Lincoln almost gasps at how gentle her voice is. "I know you've been hurt, but if my life has taught me one thing, it's that we're not meant to spend our lives alone. Love is something we should all have, and I know better than anyone how hard it can be to open your heart to it, because the first step is trust."

"Trust, Daisy," she continues. "I know how hard it is, but you have to trust that Lincoln is nothing like Ward. You have to trust that he's a good guy, and that he'd never hurt you that way." 

Lincoln almost misses the rest of her sentence, because his brain has frozen at the mention of his name. Wait, wait, wait. They were talking about him?

What???

Surely this doesn't mean… if she said she's not sure he feels the same way… if May is talking about love… 

His brain blanks out completely for a few seconds as it hits him that Daisy might actually return his feelings. 

Somewhat poetically, it's Daisy's voice that brings him back to reality. "He's a really, really good friend," she says, and her voice is so warm. "You really think he feels the same way?" 

Lincoln can practically hear May rolling her eyes. "Of course he does," she says. "Daisy, that boy is gaga for you." 

Daisy laughs softly, incredulously, as though she's only just letting herself believe it. (He totally gets the feeling.) 

"Thanks, May," she says, still in that slightly breathless tone of voice. 

And Lincoln has never heard May sound so warm as she replies, "Anytime." 

He's so caught up in wondering at it all that he almost doesn't realise when the door opens. He has to scramble like a mad thing to get behind one of the lockers so the women don't see him. 

"Lincoln should be somewhere nearby," Daisy says, and he winches at the absolute accuracy of that. "We always meet up for a chat around this time." 

"And you think you two don't have anything special," May snorts. 

Daisy shakes her head. "Yeah, yeah." But she's smiling as she walks off. 

Lincoln is smiling, too, and he's so relieved and happy that he totally forgets about the locker he ducked behind. As he stands up, he bangs his head against it, really, really loudly. 

Ow. 

And also, oh, shit. 

May whips around, her eyes narrowing. "Out," she orders. 

Lincoln sheepishly comes out from behind the locker, rubbing his head. That really hurt, and now he's busted. Just perfect. 

May's eyes narrow even further, if that's even possible. "How long were you there?" she asks in her soft, dangerous tone. 

Lincoln swallows. He wouldn't dare lie to May. So, shame-facedly, he admits, "since pretty much the beginning." 

"And why," May asks in a voice that bites like a whip, "did you think it was a good idea to listen in on a private conversation?" 

"I… was hoping… to get bribing material," he says weakly. "On, uh, you." 

He's sure he's just signed his own death warrant, but to his total surprise, May snorts and rolls her eyes. "This really is Coulson's circus, isn't it? He's really rubbed his no-personal-space-we're-a-family ethic off on you all, hasn't he?" 

"Uh, yeah," Lincoln says awkwardly. 

May shakes her head, but there's only fondness in her gaze. "He'd be so frustratingly happy to hear that." 

Her gaze sobers quickly, though. "I was right, wasn't I?" she asks, getting straight to the point. He's always respected that about her. "You do love Daisy?" 

"Of course I do," he says, and he can feel a grin tugging at his lips just to admit it. Wow, it feels good - but it's nothing compared to actually KNOWING she feels the same way. 

May's gaze is amused, but, he thinks, just a bit affectionate, too. "Good," she says. "Then I think you two will be very happy." 

"Thanks," he says, feeling his grin widen and his chest expand with warmth. "That means a lot, from you." 

Because it really does - May is basically Daisy's mom. The little exchange he just overheard pretty much proves that. 

May smiles at him - an actual smile. Whoa. "Off you go," she tells him. "Go find the girl you love." 

He can't stop grinning as he turns to walk away, feeling a literal bounce in his step. Fitz really wasn't exaggerating with the whole love-makes-you-so-happy-you-could-float-away thing, was he? 

"Just one more thing," May calls as he's about to round the corner. "I don't think I really need to tell you this, but if you hurt Daisy, I promise you I will put you in that cannon and fire you through the roof." 

Lincoln has to bite back a grin at the picture, but he's never been more serious as he replies, "I hope you'll never have to do that." 

May gives him a nod, and he really feels like he's passed a test. A nod and a smile from Melinda May? He never thought he'd see the day. 

He's so preoccupied in his proud thoughts that he completely forgets to look where he's going, and crashes right into someone on the other side of the corner. 

"What the… Daisy?!?!" he exclaims as he sees who it is. Then he processes her suspicious pose leaning against the corner. "What are you… were you eavesdropping on me?" 

Daisy’s cheeks are burning, but she folds her arms and stares him down. "Well, as it turns out, I was eavesdropping on you admitting that you had eavesdropped on me," she points out, confusingly but correctly. 

He has to concede that one - and he's pretty sure his cheeks are burning, too, as he realises what exactly she would have heard. 

"So, um, you… like me, too?" he asks. 

At the exact same time, she says, "I can't believe you like me, too!" 

"Well," he says, cheeks practically on fire from burning so much, "I thought I was actually pretty obvious, what with the whole watching you train and spending every free minute chatting with you -" 

"I thought you were just being a good friend!" she protests, and somehow she's drifting a step closer to him with every word. "I didn't know that I'd end up falling for you, even though your puns are the stupidest thing in this world!" 

"My puns are awesome," he argues, letting the last bit of distance between them draw closed. "And, really, didn't you see all the similarities between us and Fitzsimmons?"

"Well, you probably thought I didn't even notice you," she reasons, raising her hands to poke at his chest but ending up just resting them there. "As if I could not notice you!"

 "Should we just agree that we're a pair of oblivious idiots, then?" he asks, reaching out to brush a curl of hair behind her ear and letting his hand linger behind her ear. 

And, really, that line should not be as romantic as it is, but Daisy's gaze turns all soft and warm. 

"Yes," she says, and her voice is breathless in the best way possible. "We should."

And then they're kissing, her hands flattening and smoothing on his chest and his hands cradling the sides of her face. 

To think he ever thought she wouldn't notice him. To think she ever thought he was just being a good friend! 

If they weren't so busy kissing, he might even see what Hunter means. 

But as it is, he's fully occupied with the wonderful feeling of Daisy's lips on his. 

Well, at least until he gears someone start clapping slowly behind them. 

"Really, Hunter?" Daisy asks without even opening her eyes. 

Hunter doesn't even have the dignity to look ashamed of himself. "Come on, Dais, you know the drill." He holds out his hand to Fitz. "Come on, mate, pay up." 

Grumbling, Fitz forks over what looks like a hundred dollars. Lincoln just shakes his head. 

Then May walks calmly around the corner and takes the money from Hunter's hand. "Actually, I think you'll find that my bet predicted this to the day," she says, and holds out her hand for everyone to pay up. 

At Daisy and Lincoln's absolutely incredulous stares, she shrugs and pockets her money. "What do you expect? I married Phil Coulson." 

Then she's walking away like the badass she is, leaving everyone else to trail after her. 

Daisy buries her head in Lincoln's shoulder. "This is a crazy family we're part of, isn't it?" 

His eyes light up with mischief. "Yeah, it's a real circus." 

Daisy's eyes widen, and she groans and slaps at his shoulder. "Oh my Goooood." 

She can feel his laughter even more than she can hear it with her cheek pressed against his chest. 

And cliché as it might be, she's never been happier. 

She's found where she truly belongs. 

"They're crazy," she agrees, looking up at him with a soft smile, "but I wouldn't trade any of it for the world." 

The End.